This book attempts to recapture the dignity of Marital Sexual Behaviour. It closely guides this very sensitive aspect of life via Al-Qur'an and Aghaadeeth (Prophetic Statements) as well as medical references. It is hoped that this contribution will greatly reduce Marital Dysfunctions and the divorce rates in all communities.
Contents
- Acknowledgment
- 1st Foreword
- 2nd Foreword
- About the Authors
- Preface
- Introduction
- Why was this book written?
- What is Love?
- Which Characteristics enhance love?
- What is Sexual Intercourse?
- Sexual Dangers.
- Dangerous Advice.
- Is Marital Sexual Intercourse also for Pleasure?
- Sexual Prerequisites
- Is Sex the main Reason for marriage?
- Why must we try our best in Marital Sex?
- Which Factors Disturb Marital Sex?
- How can knowledge enhance/improve sexual desire?
- Is the Release of the Ovum/Egg cell Dependent on the Wife's Orgasm?
- What is Female Orgasm?
- How Important is Foreplay and Afterplay?
- What must the husband do to make his wife "Feel like a Woman"
- The Adverse Effects of Contraceptives.
- Female Sexual Dysfunctions
- What Type of Male Sexual Dysfunctions are there?
- Are Married Couples Alone Responsible for their Marital Sexual Problems?
- What kind of High Expectations are there?
- Should Muslims Marry Young?
- Conclusion
- Notes
1. Acknowledgment
All Thanks and Praise are for The Almighty Allah, Who Grants everything. We thank Him SWT for Granting us the health and strength to completed this book. We hope and pray that this book will benefit all of us in this life and in the hereafter - Inshaa Allah Aamin.
We thank Sheikh Nazeem Taliep, Sheikh Armien Fakier, Moulana Ebrahim Adam, Sheikh Muhammad Faadil (Abdul) Latief and Dr. Mohammed Haroon for their valuable advice and comments after reading the book's draft. We also extend our thanks to the ladies and couples who also gave constructive input after reading the draft.
Our sincere thanks also go to our wives and children, without whose support we would not have been able to complete this book.
Last but not least, we would like to thank the desktop publishers Lee Kleinveldt and Nathan Erasmus for their painstaking efforts to make this book layout available to you the readers.
We pray to The Almighty Allah for His Forgiveness for any shortcomings - Inshaa Allah Aamin.
Shuk'ran
Thank You
Yours in Islam
Omar Faried Pandie & Mogamat Faadiel Arnold
December 1997
1st Forward
All Praise belongs to The Almighty Allah, The One Who Guided us to Islam. May Allah, The Almighty, shower His Blessings and Salutations on our Beloved Prophet Muhammad (S.A.W), his family and companions.
Islam is a complete way of life. As such, its precepts serve as Divine Guidance in all spheres of life. It is therefore inconceivable that Islam would be absolutely mute vis-a-vis sex and sexual courtesy.
"Conservative" societies, including many Muslims, have a tradition of being extremely apprehensive and uncooperative when it comes to sex education. Yet, children are exposed to the workings of the body in the Biology classes - and no parent objects !
It is therefore extremely encouraging to witness the attempts of Muslims to enlighten people regarding sexual matters in Islam. This attempt, based on Qur'an, the Sunnah and words of our pious predecessors, serve a dual purpose:
1. It empowers Muslims with the correct understanding of matters related to sex, thereby enabling them to enrich their lives practically.
2.
It dispels the misinformation, distorted orientations, false perceptions and vulgar enticements propogated by the West and secular writers.
This work - aptly named "Towards Understanding Sexual Courtesy in Islam" - makes full use of the many shades of meaning attached to Arabic words, as found in Qur'an and Hadith. It attempts to dispel the "old wives' tales" and the "birds and bees" approach, so common amongst people till this very day. In other words, the book attempts to be truthful.
The book attempts likewise to encapsulate the concepts of love, sexual intercourse and the enhancement of married life. These are all discussed intelligently. Some of us might find very vivid descriptions of our sexual organs offensive. This is certainly not so! Being fully acquainted with our bodies encourage us not to abuse them - inside and outside marriage. There is certainly nothing lewd in this book.
This exhilarating quest will encourage many to further delve into The Qur'an , The Sunnah of our beloved Prophet (SAW), as well as the works of jurists to acquaint themselves more with the Islamic perspective on sex and sexual courtesy. Such seekers of Divine Guidance with the help of this book, will deepen their appreciation for the glorious heritage of Islam. It will enrich their lives as well as the lives of those with whom they share their research experience.
It is therefore an honour and privilege for me to write this foreword. This humble attempt by Mogamat Faadiel Arnold and Omar Faried Pandie vis-a-vis Sexual Courtesy in Islam is extremely encouraging. Perhaps it will inspire others to subsequently publish more on this very important aspect in Islamic Guidance.
I wish the compilers success in their future endeavours - IN SHAA ALLAH
Shuk'ran
Yours in Islam
Sheikh Muhammad Faadil (Addul) Latief.
3.
2nd Foreword
I have no doubt in my mind that this book will most certainly achieve the purpose for which it has been written. These being, firstly, to enrich our lives with the correct understanding of matters related to sex, and secondly, to remove misconceptions about sex existing among Muslims. In this way, the purity, virtue and excellence of sexual life becomes clear, and its essential and guiding aspect in Muslim life is established.
This book comes at a time when a new century dawns and when the respect for the privilege of having sex within limits prescribed by Islam have reached their lowest levels, largely due to ignorance. The guidelines set by Qur'an and Sunnah for Muslims to follow have been brilliantly elucidated and commented upon by the writers of "Towards Understanding Sexual Courtesy in Islam". This book enlightens us suitably on a subject about which we need to learn much in order to lead a peaceful and happy life. We hear and read very little on the subject of sexual courtesy in Islam and have gone wrong in society as a result.
There are chapters in this book which should be read by even the learned people for it opens up aspects of sexual courtesy, particularly medical factors, which are highly illuminating and extremely interesting. The compilers of this book have kept to Islamic explanations throughout and made no apologies for doing so. The basis of married life is for the spouses to understand their respective roles, so that their marriage should become extremely enjoyable, pleasant and fulfilling one. When there is, within marriage, the dynamics of living and worshiping together, and raising a family, then the dominant theme is serving Allah Ta'ala with peace and contentment. Such peace and contentment are obtained by observing the rules of marriage and adhering strictly to the Sunnah of Rasullallah (SAW).
As Muslims our focus should be the Day of Judgement. This should not only be achieved through acts of obligatory worship (Kalima, Salaah, Zakaat, Saum and Hajj), but through all forms of non-obligatory worship (Social, Moral, Political and Economic life) as well. Our lives will then be governed by the precepts of Islam. When every facet of our married lives are in accordance with Islam, starting with a desirable relationship between spouses, then there is Mercy, Help, Guidance and Protection from Allah Ta'ala. This makes for a happy and united family. Argument, envy, jealousy, hatred and separation, through conspiracy of the forces of evil, are removed by the Mercy if Allah, Ta'ala. In this way, there will be peace, harmony and happiness in the family.
This book provides the material for a successful life with sexual courtesy as a starting point. I highly recommend this book.
Moulana Ebrahim Adam
4. About the Authors Omar Faried Pandie is an Obstetrician & Gyneacologist in Private Practice and a lecture at UCT Medical School. He has always been actively involved in community upliftment with a special interest in improvement of the quality life in families.
Magamat Faadiel Arnold is a teacher. At UWC, he majored in Arabic and Economics. He has always been involved in trying to reduce family dysfunctions and abuse.
5. Preface
We thank The Almighty Allah for Granting us the ability to love (1) All Praise is only due to Him SWT for Endowing His SWT Messenger, Muhammad (Pbuh) with the Perfect Exemplary Conduct (2) in all matters. The Courtesy/ Refinement (A-DAAB) of Prophet Muhammed (Pbuh) in personal, devotion, familial and social matters is the hallmark for humanity for all times - May the Peace and Blessings of The Almighty Allah be upon him, his family and friends - Inshaa Allah Aameen.
The inherent holism in Qur'anic and Ghadeeth Arabic has been explored to help us in understanding the subtleties of sexual courtesy in Islam. We hope and pray that The Almighty Allah will forgive us for our errors in our attempt to understand such a sensitive aspect of life.
The increasing divorce rate in modern societies is indicative of the lack in understanding the self and marriage. This book appeals to the inherent mercy and truth in human beings. Via sincerity, couples enjoy happiness and discover the Love and Mercy The Almighty Allah has placed between them 1)
All human beings want to be loved. Some attempt self-destructive ways to gain "love" while others use positive means. All people are in search of true love. The history of Prophet Mughammad's (Pbuh) marriages expresses deep beauty and happiness. This evidence shows that marital happiness was linked to his selfless service to his wives, based on his devotedness to The Almighty Allah. His devotedness earned him Divine Grants of Wisdom, Blessings and Inner Peace. It is this human example that we wish to reference in the search for knowledge with respect to "love".
It is hoped, by the Grace of The Almighty Allah, that the text will help potential and existing spouses in achieving happiness in marriage - a happiness which is an experience of Mercy from The Almighty Allah. Marital happiness is the basis for a thriving society - perhaps in this lies the wisdom of marriage being half of faith 3) and trust in The Almighty Allah (EE-MAAN).
With reference to Prophet Mughammad (Pbuh), as a Mercy to the Universes 4) and the Qur'an as the unchanging Guide for Mankind 5), Islamic Guidlines (SHA-REE-'AH) are the fountainheads of happiness in life. It is thus necessary for us to research the Guidelines/SHA-REE-'AH) for a happy marraige.
Sexual Dysfunction is at most the major cause of divorce 6) It is this phenomenon which makes this book necessary. Sexual intercourse is the ultimate physical, mental, emotional and spiritual expression of love. It is a Gift from the Almighty Allah for mankind. Thus only He can advise how to experience comprehensive tranquillity, happiness and contentment in sexual union. In this book, Towards understanding Sexual Courtesy in Islam, we can only attempt to understand The Almighty Allah's Guidelines towards successful marital sexual relations.
We are all witnesses that sex outside the advice of the SHA-REE-'AH results in endless maladies and problems. The current Aids epidemic is a direct result of immoral sex. The present day western preventative advice is sorely lacking. The "Safe Sex" campaigns are not only unsafe, but promote promiscuity with the condom. It is surely a business boost for condom manufacturers, but an insult to the dignity and intellect of humans. Societies have their own reaction to epidemics - more early/young marriages are making their appearances in Muslim societies. Even non-Muslim women are insisting on marriage. It may reduce the incidence of Aids, but not the increasing rate of divorce. Sexual dysfunction is the the biggest threat to happy, prosperous marriages.
This book attempts to identify the mercy inherent in marital sexual relationship. The realisation and experience of mercy in marital sex encourage gratefulness to The Almighty Allah and the spouse. Nearness to The Almighty Allah lies in the increasing expression of gratefulness to Him SWT for the Mercies He SWT Bestowed upon us - of which marriage ranks high.
In modern societies, marital sexual intercourse has been devalued by the influences of the Christian doctrine of Original Sin, sex jokes and pornography and now LGBQ+. This book attempts to recapture the dignity of marital sex as a form of service/devotion (I-BAA-DAH). The ibaadah status of marital sex finds its base in Shari'ah, where sex with one's spouse earns reward from The Almighty Allah 7), while sex outside marriage earns His SWT's Wrath. We are also advised by prophetic advice, that ejaculation should be accompanied by a dua seeking Allah's (SWT) Protection for the potential newborn, from the influence of satan 8).
This book fills the void in guidelines to moral behaviour in marital sex. The ignorance about moral sexual behaviour in marriage is astounding. Available sex advice manuals and articles lack ethical content, because many western researchers and professionals find co-habiting without marriage , "perfectly normal and needed". Their "guidelines" tend to create more problems than offer solutions, because man's evil tendencies at times seek "a basis". The wrong advice by "professionals" may just be that "base" which the evil tendency was looking for.
From the above it becomes clear that the Islamic Guidelines to sexual courtesy is necessary for all, because it is the balanced view towards sexual relations.
The integrative code of Islamic conduct is necessary in guiding marital sexual interaction. To get an idea of how an integrative religious conduct towards marital sexual behaviour can bring about peace in a society, one needs to compare the lifestyle of indigenous people with industrialised nations. The indigenous promote, sanction and assist young marriages in their religious code. The young married couples immediately become part of the total social structure. In the integration with the elder, more experienced, they have successfully maintained and developed their cultures into ones of tranquility, without the stresses of industrialised societies - who incidentally, have lost their powers of self-subsistence. Some of the most remarkable historic artifacts and sophisticated remedies came from such indigenous societies -The key to its success was disciplined, religiously motivated young marriages with the full support of the elders, family and society. The comparison does not mean that Islamic guidelines are against modernisation, it only stresses the importance of teenage marriage encouragement, wrapped in deep religious commitment, for the benefit of the couple and of society.
Western societies discourage young marriages and polygamy. The major reason is to control population growth in a capitalistic economic infrastructure. Capitalism encourages employment of machines for mass production and high profits. Fewer people are thus needed to operate the machines. A large population is thus a drag on the high profit motive of capitalists. By suppressing young marriages, the society is placed under tremendous sexual stresses. This creates the platform for many problems - " umwanted pregnancies, illegitamacies, rape, prostitution, drug addiction, child abuse, slavery, (pornography),homosexuality, aids, increasing divorce rate , and many more.
The Islamic Guidelines of teenage marriages, polygamy and encouragement of fasting when marriage is not affordable 9), lay a good foundation for social development.
The introduction of schools and university degrees, to "occupy" the young masses and encourage competition among them for limited jobs -"carears before marriages" impact on fertility (endometriosis; see page 21).
If serious thought and action are the results from reading this book, then its suggestions will save countries millions in currencies - millions spent on diseases and crimes related to suppressed sexual relations (through marriage). These saved millions can then be used to invest in the development of nations. Then perhaps, one day, future generations will look back and marvel at the progress we have made and the legacies we have left behind - presently we only leave miseries, hardships and criminal records behind.
The effort to reduce the divorce rate and re-kindle the love between spouses will save many children from the miseries they are facing today. May The Almighty Allah Help us in our endeavors - AA-MEEN.
Introduction
This book brings into focus the all embracing Islamic character as a solution to all ills - with special emphasis on sexual behaviour between married couples and marital disharmonies. Here Islam prevails as the balanced and healthy view towards qualitative improvements in husband-wife relationship, an absolute necessity in the process of social reconstruction.
Love is defined. The Qur'an and Ahadeeth (Prophetic sayings) word-usage pertaining to sexual intimacies are characterised by pleasant subtlety that lends dignity to an activity which is forbidden, except within the sphere of matrimony.
Factors promoting and those inhibiting love are discussed in detail. Furthermore a differenciation between courtship and marriage itself is reviewed.
The benefits of the marriage institution and its goals are discussed. Tranquillity, generation of love, comfort, peace and progeny becomes meaningful in this book.
Contemporary cultural lifestyles, which is characterised by adultery, prostitution, fornication and divorce, is unfortunately, fast influencing, affecting and disintegrating Muslim and other societies; these indicators of social degeneration call for a remedy. It is thus an aim of this book to forward a few ideas to remedy the current social disintegration.
Sexuality and sexual courtesy in Islam cannot be discussed without a basic knowledge of the human anatomy of the sexual organs and general physiology and psychology of the human nature. A sincere effort is made to present this as simple as possible and futhermore to highlight the concept of brain-womb relationship.
Causes of sexual dysfunctions are highlighted and carefully analysed. A concerted attempt is made to provide easy solutions to a complex problem in an itemised manner. The solutions provided in this book is a sincere effort to help correct the imbalances expreienced in our societies - but it also entirely depends on the goodwill, faith and ernest desire of the spouses to live a life of devotion to The Almighty Allah. Anything short of this brings about its own natural destructive consequences. Human efforts to fight attitudes of disharmony via the Guidelines of The Almight Allah, is rewarded with peace of mind, happiness and progress.
Why was this book written? Books on marriage, by Muslims writers, in the English reading market seldom, if ever, deal with specific guidelines on marital sexual relations. If it does, it presents it from a duty/ obligation-cum-rights perspective. In some of the books on marriage, elements of prejudice against women and male chauvinism readily make its appearances. Often statements are made and claimed to be "Islamic", while they actually stem from tribal traditions or conjectures. The most disturbing element of misinformation that surfaces in some books are superstitions relating to sexual encounters between husband and wife.
The Christian concept of "Original Sin" occasionally appears in books written by Muslims - not in actual words - but in distorted advice that are given: example "Keep sex at a minimum" and other statements that inhibit permissible sexual encounters between the married couple. We are aware of the evils in society, but we need not resort to scare tactics to get the desired results.
We need a book that is truthful and one which has authentic references. A book that addresses the beauties of marital sex, as a Gift and Mercy for mankind. We need a book that is honest and balanced and one which can serve as a reference for couples. Most books on the subject of sex, portray it as something non-spiritual, lustful and physiological.
Many couples in the contemporary, industrialised, Eurocentric and Victorian influenced lifestyles, have forgotten the true art of love-making. In the West, the amount of guidelines available on sex is indicative of the grave problem of unsuccessful sexual encounters between husbands and wives. Very few books on sex attempt to explain what "love" really is. The failure, in modern times, to meaningfully define love is based in western psychological scholarship's belief that there are no absolute truths - that definition is subjective and hence subject to change. Part of the problem can be found in modern research techniques based on human endeavours and the west's rejection / skepticism against revelation/religion. It is interesting that recent scientific findings are validating long-standing Islamic revelatory truths. Western researchers overlook the facts that humans have natural tendencies to recognise truths. Many people from various cultures, who research truths, tend to be exposed to the same facts without being in contact with each other - confirming Qur'anic Revelation that The Almighty Allah is The Teacher of all 10) But skeptics of Revelation have an answer for the aforementioned - they call it "coincidence" - even though they can feel, see and have discovered the truth of Revelations.
What is Love? Love is an AA-YAH(sign/marvel/miracle/ masterpiece/token/symbol/ exemplar/wonder). This marvelous miracle is an exemplar of an Attribute of The Creator, The Exalted Allah (AL-WU-DUUD - The Possessor of Love). Love is pure in essence, a miracle and wonder in its existence, a masterpiece in its expression and a gift from The Exalted Allah, The Compassionate, The Merciful 11). It is The Creator, Allah (SWT), Who Places Love between a man and woman 11). The purpose of Love is for tranquility, peace, calmness and rest for the human being (LI-TAS-KU-NUU). Real love is linked to mercy (RAGH-MAH) 12). Love = Mercy and the two are inseparable - the one cannot exist without the other. If the human is the deputy of The Creator, Allah 13), The Exalted, then he/she can deduce true behaviour from The Way Allah (SWT) relates to man in His Revelation and man's everyday existence. Allah (SWT) sti
ll Grants the needs of the hypocrites, disbeliever, blasphemer and ungrateful. His Forgiveness is still available to them should they repent. In the Qur'an their deliberate evils and heedlessness are still addressed via merciful questions and reflective arguments 14). The questions remind them constantly of the favours they enjoy and the punishment they will draw upon themselves if they persist in their evil. From the Way (SUN-NAH) of Allah (SWT) we can thus conclude that pure love may be described as unselfish, patient, encouraging, protective, merciful, compassionate, strengthening and positive. The love for someone, stemming from the Love for Allah (SWT) 15) is thus of the aforementioned nature. Such love is thus rational, sincere and realistic. This kind of godly human love for a fellow human is by its nature a form of worship to The Almighty Allah.
That which extorts, oppresses, beguiles, manipulates and exploits, cannot be regarded as love. An act which does not result in peace, tranquility and mercy is not love. Abhorrent sexual behaviour (e.g. homosexuality, incest, prostitution, pornography, rape etc. ) leaves the participants in various degrees of imbalance, within the self and within the community. These actions can thus only stem from lust and be described as beastly/ animal behaviour - no - worse!
Love is the marvel which makes us human. To be human (IN-SAAN), means to be close, intimate, sociable, friendly, kind, affable, civil, polite and courteous. The existence of humanism in one person makes another feel at ease (AN-NI-SA). This helps us in briefly defining the concept "human love" - LOVE IS DOING EVERYTHING HUMANLY POSSIBLE, WITHIN THE PARAMETERS OF ISLAMIC GUIDELINES (SHARIAH), TO MAKE THE PERSON YOU LOVE HAPPY AND TRANQUIL.
To love thus means to help, and by extention, to give but not to take. The interrelation between love, mercy and tranquility, as expressed in the Qur'an, makes pure love an act of worship ('I-BAA-DAH). Adoration (I-BAA-DAH), intensified love, because finds its origin in adoration/love for and appreciation to Allah (SWT). This kind of love is only possible if the individual has developed an appreciation for the Gift of Love, which Allah (SWT) has Granted people. Such a loving spouse is a true MU'-MIN (one who is trustworthy, reliable and faithful). His/Her partner thus can feel safe from the tongue and hand of the spouse 16).
The MU-MIN husband can rightfully be addressed as one of the QOW-WAA-MUUN - those men who are sincere and righteous carers for women 17). These men will also rise up against injustices against their wives, mothers, sisters and women in general. These men exhaust (NA-FI-QA) themselves in their efforts to provide for their wives and children. These men are truly of the MUT-TA-QEEN (those who are conscious of the All Embracing Presence of Allah (SWT) and they always act with fairness, because of the fear losing The Mercy and Love from Allah SWT. This consciousness makes them selfless. They then spend for their family and others out of love for The Provider, Allah (SWT). These men are the Best of Men 18).
The Best men truly represent IS-LAAM (submission to The Will of The Almighty Allah ) in their selfless service towards their wives and children. They practice SA-LI-MA (preservation of good and the protection of others against harm, for the establishment of peace and tranquillity). Such men show their appreciation to Allah SWT via their sincere actions. Women with such considerate husbands can be assured of tranquility during their pregnancy - a need for balanced, healthy chidren. Exemplary family interaction ensures general social improvements. This family and social peace in action is the most VIVID DISPLAY OF ISLAM in practice and a powerful invitation to IS-LAAM.
Which Characteristics Enhance Love? The following attributes have been cited as reasons for loving a person: beauty, compassion, mercy, tranquillity, security, safety, strength, talent, forgiveness, organisational ability, generosity, intellect, appreciation, gratefulness, fairness, justice, sensitivityto the needs of others, voluntary respect from others for the person, respect towards others, affection, truthfulness, responsibility, piety, forbearance, tolerance, patience. In reference to the 99 Attributes of The Almighty Allah (SWT), we find that the above attributes are seated in 85 of the 99 Names/Attributes of The Almighty Allah.
The Breath of The Almighty Allah Gave Life to Prophet Adam (AS), whom He Created out of clay 19).We are also aware from Al-Qur'an, that a human being has the best (Divine Spirit ) and a worst (clay self) potential characteristics in him/herself 20). From the Qur'an we read that man is the Deputy of Allah SWT. From the above it is evident that we possess reflections/potentials of His Beautiful Attributes.(Q30:30)
It becomes clear that if we want love and happiness we must follow Allah's(SWT) Guidance, to activate our Divine Spirit within. Of the above characteristics, the most repeated ones in The Qur'an are, Compassion, Mercy and Forgiveness - those inner qualities that abusers forget they possess. If The Almighty Allah can be Oft Forgiving, Most Merciful, then who are we to be so resentful towards our spouses.
The love of a MUS-LIM (one who promotes peace due to his/her belief and submission to Allah (SWT)), is that love which offers safety/ security to the loved one. In this way the one spouse is a garment/cover (LI-BAAS) for the other spouse and visa versa. 21). One is again reminded of being safe from one another's hand and tongue 22). The major drawback in marital relations is the lack of knowledge of the character/personality of The Prophet Mughammad (Pbuh). He has personified the Character of The Qur'an in his lifestyle - thus showing man the human possibility of man's Divine nature. In his supplications (AD-'EE-YAH) he clearly expresses his humility before The Lord of all creations - Allah (SWT). The greater the practice of subservience to The Will of Allah SWT, the longer the marriage lasts. It is the couples' sincere devotion, in word and action, to The Almighty Allah which earns them divinely inspired intellect. This affords them the realisation of beauties in each other. The experience of mutual attraction for each other is in itself a Mercy from The Almighty Allah. The gratefulness for this is boundless. The starting point for improved marital love is to speak to each other with tenderness and care 23). Satan primarily encourages indecent speech to sow discontent between couples 24). He (satan) is our open enemy 25), not our spouse. Love can be enhanced by spending on our family out of love for Allah (SWT). This attitude of selfless service ('I-BAA-DAH) was the practice of the Prophet Mughammad (Pbuh). This selfless loving service to family, neighbours and friends creates a tranquil environment for perpetual love between married couples.
What is Sexual Intercourse? In considering the words used in The Holy Qur'an to express communion/ sexual union between husband and wife, one enters a realm so wide in connotations and meaning, that the sincere person raises sexual union in marriage to a level of necessity for the development of true humaness. It is this humaness which is befitting the title of Deputy of Allah (SWT) 26). The Qur'an addresses the wife as the husband's GHARTH (culture, tilth, plantation)27). Thus the wife affords the husband the opportunity for the cultivation of his humaness and of offspring.
It is through women, in whom Allah(SWT) has placed much good 28), that men experience fatherhood, gentleness, sweetness, consideration, love, submission, sacrifice, endurance, appreciation for beauty, patience and perserverence. It is in them that men find peace, tranquillity, and freedom to enpress total joy. By The Grace of The Almighty Allah, wives feed husbands with the needs to survive emotionally, spiritually and physically. If the husbands approach their wives with the needed care, gentleness, compassion and consideration, then wives will surely free their husbands from the oppression of male evil tendencies. Such mutual love, based in piety and conciousness of The Ever-Presence of The Almighty Allah, liberates both parties to serve Allah (SWT) in the best way, because tranquillity leads to spiritual and material success. Like the farmer who exerts himself in caring for his land, remembering it as a trust from Allah SWT (like his wife is a trust from Allah (SWT), will find that his land frees/ liberates him from the oppression of hunger, similarly, a wife, whose husband treats her with dignity, care and unselfish love, will provide him with spiritual, emotional and physical union he needs to flourish in all aspects of manliness. His service to her is to protect her human rights so that she can develop to her full potehtial in all spheres of life.
A husband who understands his function towards his wife and her real honoured status 29) may proceed sincerely to make love to her -FA'-TUU (gently proceed, favourably, with ease) 27). This subtle Qur'anic Arabic word for sexual intercourse with the wife, explains simultaneously, its mind-soul-body nature. Spousal intercourse, which is free from oppression, is an opportunity for them to slip away (FA-TA) from the stresses of family care, a chance to escape from the desires for illicit behaviour and escape into the world of complete ecstacy. Marriage creates calmness.
The benefits of truthful intercourse can only be achieved if the wife feels safe, happy and dignified, while she interacts with her husband. Abusive husbands do not experience the beauties inherent in marital sexual intimacies.
Marital sex makes the couple feel one with each other - reflecting that mankind was create from a single soul 30). Considering the needs of each other, the husband and wife will find wholesomeness, humanness, balance and tranquillity in sincere sexual interaction. The good husband realises his need for his wife and thus always treat her with reverence - a reverence linked to The Reverence towards Allah (SWT) 29). Such reverence from him for her will be returned by her for him by The Grace of The Almighty Allah. She will in turn truly care for her husband.
Marital sexual intimacies, in view of the above, is an I-BAA-DAH (Devotional act) which makes couples appreciative of The Gifts from Allah (SWT). It is Allah (SWT) Who Places Love and Mercy between spouses - what an excellent pathway for the new offspring !
What Type of Sexual Intercourse is Good? A generous gift to the wife/ or the needy (SADAQA) before sexual intercourse with her is primary to achieve full sexual pleasure 27). A gift before sexual union is the bear minimum. The caring nature has, in addition, loving words, sensitive, considerate touches and well chosen stimulatory measures. He realises that the psyche, soul and body of his wife is unitary, priceless and valuable, and that she needs to be reassured of her worth in order for her to respond positively to him.
A Muslim man should not just release himself into his wife. He must not use her like an object. He should interact with her in all marital pleasures. he is one who trains his mind and body to control emissions, because he aims to satisfy her first or aid her climax to co-inside with his.
QOD-DA-MUU (send ahead, in advance, let precede) LI-AN-FU-SI-KUM (for yourselves) 27), a statement with no specific object - but what follows indicate the reason for "send ahead" - WAT-TA-QUL-LAAH (and have consciousnes of Allah SWT. The call is upon the husbands, is to be sincere when they appraoch their wives. Apart from gifts/sweetness to his wife, he also sends a SO-DA-QAH (charity) to the needy. What is clear from this understanding is that good sexual interaction is presupposed by general concern for the beautification of the souls of both husband and wife through the good intentions of the husband towards his wife and humanity at large through his fear/consciousness of Allah SWT. This can only occur if their lives are lived to total service (I-BAA-DAH) to our Maker, Allah (SWT).
From the above it becomes clear that sexual intercourse without dignity of faith in Allah SWT -EE-MAAN = belief, trust, safety, peace, security, reliability, is Divinely, unacceptable.Types of sex, which is devoid of dignity is harmful to the body and soul. These harmful sexual interaction include; sex during a woman's menstrual cycle, during post childbirth bleeding, anal sex, homosexuality, rape, extra-marital and unnatural sex (with animals). The detrimental effects of such sexual relations to the body, mind, psyche, soul and society is presently evident.
Reflecting upon the structure and condition of the penis and vagina during sexual intercourse and the male and female attraction for each other, it is evident that she needs gentle, warm loving, yet strong sexual communication from him and he is in need of her tender,soft, embracing and welcoming nature. This kind of sexual communication between husband and wife will encourage wives to allow their husbands sexual entry into her vagina from whatever side/position they please (AN-NA SHI-TUM 28a: MIN GHAY-THU A-MA-RA-KU-MUL-LAAH - what Allah SWT has ordained for you 28b - not overstepping the boundaries).
Sexual intercourse preceded by gifts, charity and devotion, is good, pure and rewarding for the husband and wife's body, mind, psyche and soul. It will then truly serve as a bond between each other and the society at large in this world and the hereafter - INSHAA ALLAH AA-MEEN.
Sexual Dangers Some husbands and wives, ill-informed of the anatomy and condition of their private parts, have sex during menstruation and during post-childbirth bleeding (PUERPERAL). Islam prohibits sexual intercourse during uterine bleeding. Most women naturally feel the need to refuse sex during these these times, but inconsiderate husbands, have the tendency to force their wives into sexual intercourse during these bleeding periods. In practically all such cases, this act infects himself and her. Wives are at most, worst off in these instances. She can suffer one or a combination of the following illnesses, due to sexual intercourse during uterine bleeding period:
Dangers of Sexual Intercourse during Menstrual Cycles:
1. A longer than normal uterine blood flow
2. Pooling / congestion of blood in the uterus, which causes Pelvic Inflammatory Disease (PID). If she contracts PID more than twice in a year, it will reduce her child-bearing chances to 25%. If she contracts PID and has to be treated medically, then her fallopian tubes and surrounding structures will be permanently scarred. This will cause chronic pain during menstruation, becoming worse with each subsequent menstrual cycle.
3. Severe pain during sexual intercourse (DYSPAREUNIA) - this results in a loss of sexual desire (loss of libido)
4. Recurring infection in the ovaries. This will result in early infertility and an early "change of life" (30-35 years old)
5. Spill-over of blood through the top of the fallopian tubes into the abdomen, outside the womb (ENDOMETRIOSIS). These living endometrial cells, which spilled over into the abdomen cavity, then builds up and breaks down and menstrual bleeding then occurs outside the uterus, causing swelling and scarring the outside walls of the uterus, fallopian tubes and bowel. This then causes severe pain during menstruation and sexual intercourse:
Dangers of Sexual Intercourse during Post-childbirth Bleeding (PEURPERIUM/ NIFAAS):1. Severe pain during intercourse due to the bruised, swollen, female gental organs following childbirth.
2. Rapid-spread of life-threatening infections resulting in kidney, lung and cerebral (brain) failure.
The husband who insist on having sexual intercourse during uterine bleeding also runs the risk of contracting a severe infection in his testes and tubes, which will make him completely sterile. Husbands who insist on anal intercourse, against the Advice of The Holy Qur'an, 28) exposes himself and his wife to Veneral Disease (VD), Bacterial Proctitis (severe anal infection) and Aids.
A husband who insists on sexual intercourse during periods of uterine bleeding is a wife abuser. He is endangering her and his life. The Islamic Law/ Guidelines (Shariah) , which prohibits sex during uterine bleeding 28), thus protects the husband and wife from severe discomfort and death. The Shariah is mankind's Safety Net.
Dangerous "Advice" Some sex journals and articles wrongly and dangerously advise that sexual intercourse during menstruation is good, because it 'releases the menstrual blood congestion in the womb'. There is also the wrong perception that sexual intercourse is more satisfying during menstruation. The condom is advertised as the "safe" way. The results of "experimenting" using the condom have proven the opposite. Infections still occurred because of incorrect use or breakage of the condom. The female condom is cumbersome and time consuming. Trials with it have also shown its ineffectiveness in preventing infection and disease when used during uterine bleeding. We need to emphasise that the use of condoms for sexual intercourse during uterine bleeding is also prohibited in Islam.
It is known that when the unfertilised egg in the womb dies and the lining tissue of the womb (ENDOMETRIUM) breaks down (sheds), the mentrual bleeding starts. This blood, which flows out, is not clean. It contains broken bloodvessels, tissue fragments, bacteria and poisons (MENOTOXINS). To make contact with this blood in or outside the womb is a health risk for the husband. Intercourse during these times increases the risk of infection to the wife tenfold. This is because, during menstruation, the natural protective barriers in the vagina are diminished. Pelvic Inflammatory Disease (PID) occurs then readily. Repeated episodes of PID can lead to a hystorectomy (womb removal). During sexual intercourse the whole womb contracts during orgasm, which then pushes the infected blood and broken tissue upwards through the fallopian tubes and into the abdominal cavity. Her ovaries, ligaments that keep the uterus in place and her fallopian tubes will be scarred, deformed and blocked. This causes severe menstrual pain, excessive menstrual bleeding and severe pain during subsequent normal sexual intercourse.
Inconsiderate, impatient husbands, who force sex with their wives during NIFAAS (post-childbirth bleeding), goes against the Qur'anic Injunction 29). Intercourse will prevent the proper shedding of debris/ fragments of the old lining of the womb. This prevents the uterus from contracting to its normal size (INVOLUTION). In addition it will prevent bloodvessels in the uterus from naturally clotting. She will as a result bleed longer than normal, contracting severe life-threatening infections (SEPTACAEMIA).
From the above it is evident that the Qur'an and Sunnah (Prophetic Advice) are Merciful Guidelines against the dangers of sexual intercourse during periods of vaginal bleeding.
Is Marital Sex Also for Pleasure?
Yes. The husband is advised to play with
his wife (TA-LAA-I-BU-HAA) and vice-visa (TA-LAA-I-BU-KA) .
This allows each the opportunity to be active and passive during sexual
interaction and to enjoy it. Both parties are allowed the full view of each
other’s bodies and to have sexual intercourse in any position they wish, but
only into the vagina.
Questions regarding oral sex surface frequently. There is no direct prohibition
for it. The answers given at times have been varied. What is clear is that acts
which endanger the body has been prohibited in Islamic etiquette. The sperm is
a protein and is thus digestible. Frequent ejaculation and injection of sperm in the wife's mouth can cause infection in the wife’s digestive tract. The saliva of the wife (an
alkali and germ carrier) may cause infection in the husband’s urethra (tube for
passing urine). During erection the urethra may still harbor urine which is a
poisonous waste matter. This, however minute, may infect the wife. When the husband
licks the vagina, both husband and wife are at risk of infection, because the
vaginal opening and the saliva have many germs. What is interesting is that the
rim of the penis head, sensitive for firm erection and ejaculation, is +/-
1.5cm away from the urethra opening. The clitoris, the most sexually
stimulating part when touched, is also +/- 1.5cm away from the urethra opening.
Considering this and the legitamcy of full use of each other’s body,
it may thus allow mutual oral stimulation on these erogenous (sexually
stimulating) zones, away from the openings. Oral contact with the genital
openings poses risks, not around it.
If all types of oral stimulation were
clearly made permissible, then those men and woman, who detest it, would then
be abused. A practice which would then endanger the marriage. If a clear-cut
prohibition existed, then those men and woman who find oral stimulation
sexually enhancing, would suffer loss of sexual drive (LIBIDO). The marriage
can then again be in jeopardy. We must then use our intellect to strike a
balance with regard to oral stimulation. What must then also be considered is
that oral stimulation is not oral sex. The latter applies, direct contact with
the opening of the private parts (posing of risk i.e. not advised in the
Islamic etiquette) while the former (contacting the erogenous zones, 1.5cm away
from the openings) may enhance marital sexual responses. The Islamic advice for
foreplay between spouses
is clear. Viewing for pleasure, touching and separating the vulva lips (the
large and small lips of the vagina) (LI-FU-RUU-JI-HIM GHAA-FI-THUUN) of the
wife is permissible, but husbands are prohibited from it with regard to strange
woman
and when their wives menstruate (here husbands are allowed to fondle his wife
above her navel while she is covered with a sheet/cloth from the waist down.
SEXUAL
PREREQUUISITES
Cleanliness requirements for a Muslim’s
life-style, male circumcision, shaving/cutting the pubic hairs,
shaving under under-arm and facial
hairs, cutting nails, keeping hair clean and combed and using scents-
these all enhance sexual communication.
Muslim couples should make themselves
sexually attractive to each other. The shaving of the private parts makes
intimate contact between spouses much more arousing. Shaving creates constant
youthful looks of the private areas and increases the tactile sensitivity, thus
enhancing desire for each other. This practice will allow desire to continue
till death separates the couple.
Taking the advice of Prophet Mohammed
(Pbuh) to swim, mountain walk, horse ride, practice archery, eat moderately and
not to deprive one another from sexual satisfaction
will allow the bodies to grow old gracefully. This is because the body is fit,
trim, attractive and clean.
The above personal hygiene, exercise and
healthy sexual attitude create tranquil minds, that are ready to serve each
other and society unselfishly. People who satisfy their sexual desires and
fantasies in accordance with the Islamic moral standards are productive people.
They are ready to sacrifice their strengths for the benefit of others. Selfish,
exploitive individuals are generally not loving and unloved. They are those who often feel
insecure. This insecurity then leads to destructive behaviour. Often they do not
give themselves a chance to serve others unselfishly. They often tend towards
actions of self-aggrandizement. Invariably such people are lonely and
psychologically weak.
Free, moral, mutual sexual indulgence
between spouses allow each other the confidence for life’s challenges – when
one is loved it gives balance to one’s existence. Many couples wait for the
other to make a concerted sexual move. To wait is to deprive one of developing
loving skills. This waiting ‘game’ often creates tension in both spouses.
Feeling sexually free with each other
requires the creation of tranquil environs for each other in the home.
Excessive shyness or any kinds of force inhibits love. The spread of the five
daily prayers and the devotional requirement to bath fully after sexual intercourse,
keeps the individual from over indulgence. Islam thus creates the arena for a
complete balanced life.
Marital sex must be enjoyed and fulfilled
as often as possible. Children must not hamper/reduce the sexual communication
of the couple. Children are advised to respect the privacy of parents at certain times of
the day and night.
Yes the cleanliness requires for a Muslim’s life-style; male circumcision,
shaving/cutting pubic-under arm- and facial hairs, cutting the nails, keeping
hair cleaned and combed, using scents, all enhance sexual communication. Sexual
intercourse will only become enjoyable if we rid ourselves from the ‘chains’ of
Victorian ‘evil beliefs’ surrounding marital sex. What must be accepted is that
married couples have the religious right to explore one another’s bodies
sexually – with one major restriction – never to have anal sex.
The best way to start spousal sexual
enjoyment is to view each other’s clean, naked bodies with the aim of making
the other feel tranquility and safety of one’s considerate touches, caresses
and admiration. Viewing each other’s bodies intensely, is in itself showing
ones appreciation for each other. Keeping in mind the Guidelines of the
Shari’ah makes each other feel safe, secure and truly needed, not exploited.
IS SEX THE MAIN
REASON FOR MARRIAGE?
A reported statement of the Prophet
Mohammad (Pbuh) that those young people, who can fulfill the needs of marriage
and the sexual satisfaction in marriage, should marry.
It will control their sexual urges and serve as a protection for their private
parts. Marriage is thus the wholesome institution which sanctifies sexual
interaction between unrelated males and females. The sordid pre-marital sexual
behavior amongst disbelievers has given sex a ‘bad name’. Sex, in terms of
sexual intimate interaction between male and female is only permissible in
Islam through marriage. Viewed in this sense, sex is then the main reason for
marriage. If people cannot afford marriage, then they are advised to fast to
subdue the natural sexual desire.
Marital sex is the vehicle for the
experience of true tranquility. This holistic human satisfaction balances
interaction between husband and wife. Marital sex develops a positive self-esteem,
psychological security and inner gratefulness. Pre-marital sex leaves both
parties imbalanced. Insecurities, especially amongst women, often occur after
pre-marital sex. Men at most, often seeks other ‘prey’ after their ‘sexual
conquest’. Pre-marital sex has no marital obligations and hence allows an open
road for exploitation of the single woman/man.
Marriage brings out a healthy sexual
culture. It is linked to procreation and naturally calls into action many
considerations: such as caring, safety, security and compassion. The rejection
of marriage before sex disturbs the tranquility of society. Illicit sex
negatively impacts on participating individuals. Feeling of remorse, guilt,
etc., are common in sex-free societies.
In western influenced societies, marriage
often fails because of the lack of knowledge of reciprocal marital, sexual
courtesies. Marital sexual interaction is the wife’s search for security,
protection and care. The husband, in marriage, desired comfort and the feeling
of being wanted and needed. A husband, whose wife does not sincerely make him
feel wanted and needed (sexually) suffers diverse feeling of incompetence,
insecurity and hence has a low self-esteem. A wife, whose husband fails in
making her feel secure, protected, loved and cared for, will feel insecure,
abused and unappreciated. Feelings of insecurity and not being wanted/desired
have detrimental effects on sexual performance. The wife may suffer
lowered/temporary loss of orgasmic experiences because of her uneasiness.
Although a husband may ejaculate, his deep orgasmic satisfaction may be
impaired, if he feels his presence is perhaps unwanted. The efforts towards
healthy, marital sexual relations are of paramount importance to the
development of tranquil marriages and a tranquil society.
WHY MUST WE TRY
OUR BEST WITH MARITAL SEX?
Husbands/wives who exploit their spouses
physically and emotionally will eventually cause their personal downfall. We
learn from the Qur’an that suffering is self-inflicted
yet a mercy for improving piety; that the evil of others cannot harm those who
are guided by Allah (SWT)
and that evil action bring detriment to the evil-doer.
To care for one’s spouse is to safeguard oneself.
Parents who truly love each other offer
their children the peaceful atmosphere for the positive development of their
children. Parents, who perpetuate sexual disharmonies amongst themselves, often
unburden themselves on their children. Child abuse can often be linked to
sexual dysfunction between parents. We must help couples create harmony in
their marriages. This will assist them to create a loving environment for their
children, who in turn will help towards building a better society. The husband
must create peace and harmony in the home.
Men will generally agree that their sexual satisfaction is greater if their
wives also experience orgasms during their sexual unions. Many woman are not relaxed
during sexual activity with their husbands. They are often over tired or
stressed due to the bad character traits of their husbands. Wives need
emotional, psychological, financial and physical security before they
experience orgasms. Husbands often lack in giving one or more of the
aforementioned securities. Often husbands and wives have to assist each other in achieving better circumstances for each other’s satisfaction. Couples must not
restrain themselves in honestly searching for ways to satisfy each other – out
of and in bed. They should try to give abundantly and receive gladly, within
the parameters of the Shari’ah. Complete surrender to each other creates the
necessary ease and tranquility for a loving environment. Loving parents create
the base for the development of loving offspring. Couples are expected to protect, love and
show kindness to each other.
Such efforts will allow them the opportunities to appreciate each other and
also reflect on The Gifts from the Almighty Allah (SWT) Who Places Love and
Mercy between a man and a woman.
Marriage is not for the satisfaction of carnal desires. Sexual union in marriage is the
vehicle for experiencing total humanness. At the end of the Aayah explaining
how men must approach their wives, Allah (SWT) reminds us that we shall meet Him SWT on the Day of Judgment – WA-LA-MUU AN-NA-KUM MU-LAA-QUU.
Seriously reflecting on this, couples will improve their behavior toward each
other. Their efforts will include mercy, tolerance, consideration and
unselfishness towards each other before, during and after sexual union.
The minds of mankind often relates to sex. Sex
is an extremely powerful urge which can destroy an individual. It is thus
necessary for us to follow the guidelines in the Qur’an and Prophetic
practices. We must accept that Allah (SWT), our Creator, Knows us and Knows
what is good and bad for us. This realization makes us humble, gentle and
considerate. We need these qualities to
progress for ourselves, our families and society –IN-SHAA-AL-LAH
Let us again reflect; ‘Loving parents
create the base for the development of loving offspring. Couples are expected
to protect, love and show kindness to each other.
Such efforts will allow them opportunities to appreciate each other and also
reflect on The Gifts from Almighty Allah’. It is Allah (SWT) Who SWT Places Love
and Mercy between spouses.
WHICH FACTORS
DISTURB MARITAL SEX?
Marital sex is often disturbed by feelings
of insecurity. The feeling is often linked to a low self-worth. The low
self-worth can again be linked to insufficient knowledge. Often misconceptions,
myths and superstitions related to sexual behavior between husband and wife
disturb the sexual function of the spouses. Knowledge of sexual immorality and
the basic knowledge of anatomy of the husband and wife are crucial to the
successful marital relationship. Improper societal sexual norms can also
confuse marital sexual behavior. To a lesser extent
pathological/clinical/structural problems hamper positive sexual responses
between spouses.
An intense study of each other’s bodies
reveal the basic psychological needs of the females and males. The Quran links
fear/consciousness of Allah (SWT) with the service towards the wombs.
The status of the womb (family relations) is highly regarded in Islam. Wilful
dissociation with the womb (family members) causes separation from the Mercy of
Allah (SWT).
The womb as a structure, the woman and the family must be respected.
It is through the womb that Allah (SWT) creates nations and tribes. Humanity,
via the marvels of the womb, learns to experience love, tenderness, compassion,
parentage, lineage, honor and the need for assistance/dependence on each other.
Improper conduct to the womb, in all its senses, threatens prosperity of the
family, society and ultimately that of the human race.
Understanding the womb is intriguing. A
small part of it is externally visible - the vulva – sometimes mistakenly
called the vagina. The vulva is introduced by pubic hairs which cover two
larger soft, sponge muscled, crescent shaped structures referred to as the
“large lips” (LABIA MAJUS/LABIA MAJORA). Theses “lips” envelope two separable,
slightly protruding skin folds, called the “smaller lips” (LABIA MINUS/LABIA
MINORA). At the top , where the two small lips meet, is a skin covered, small
moveable, rounded, knoblike structure called the CLITORIS. The clitoris is made
up of spongy erectile tissue (tissue that can become stiff/erect). The clitoris
has sensitive nerve endings, which, when stimulated, evokes intense sexual responses
locally and generally in woman; locally – producing lubricants in the vagina
which eases intercourse; generally – the woman’s entire body is sexually
aroused. The clitoris is thus a woman’s most erogenous zone (part that
stimulates sexual desire). During sexual intercourse the small, raised,
arrow-shaped part of the penis ridge is in direct contact with the clitoris. It
is thus clear that the in and out motion of the penis head into the vaginal
opening increases clitoris contact thus allowing the wife increased sensual
pleasure.
The “small lips” enclose the vaginal
opening and the external urethral opening (for a woman’s urine). The bottom
part of the vaginal opening is covered by a membrane/skinlike covering called
the HYMEN. After sex or strenuous exercises the hymen will break/split. Small
projections – CARUNCULEA (fragments of the hymen) will thereafter be visible.
The female urethra is situated in the VESTIBULE just above the vaginal opening
and the clitoris. The vestibule is the area between the upper part of the
vaginal opening and the clitoris. Just to the inside of the upper part of the
vagina opening, on either side, is the vestibular glands. These glands secrete
a lubricant which eases the entry of the penis. Forced entry, without waiting
for lubrications, can cause severe pain for the wife and husband. Forced entry
into the vulva and vagina can also cause damage to the vulva and the vagina.
There are lots of nerve-ends and blood vessels in the vulva and the vagina.
These parts are extremely sensitive. It needs careful handling by the husband.
The structure of the vulva is suited to
cushion and grip the penis. The lubrication in the vagina increases pleasurable
feelings for both husband and wife. Husbands are thus encouraged to be
considerate to the needs of the wife during sexual interaction. The careful
handlings of the vulva will allow its optimal functioning. The thrust of the
penis is eased within the thick, muscular, tubelike vagina. The first layer of
the muscular vaginal wall is lined with mucous membrane. This further eases the
thrust action of the penis. Woman who have not yet given natural birth have
numerous folds on the wall. With age and childbirth the wall becomes smoother.
This does not affect sexual enjoyment in later years. The second layer, under
the muscular, mucous membrane, is the loose layer made up of connective
erectile tissue. The nerves of the vagina, vulva and uterus (together they form
the womb) are directly connected to the brain and the spinal cord. During
sexual intercourse the walls of the uterus relaxes and contracts. This womb
motion and mucous secretion assist the sperm to reach the released ovum (egg
cell). This peristaltic action of the womb can thus draw sperm from in or out
outside the vagina into the uterus. Ejaculation outside the vulva can thus also cause pregnancy, without penis penetration, given the speed of the sperm,
aided by the lubrications and peristaltic action of the uterus.
HOW CAN
KNOWLEDGE ENHANCE/IMPROVE SEXUAL DESIRE
A lack of knowledge of sex, male and female
anatomy, pregnancy etc, in many instances causes unnecessary fears in the minds
of males and females. Many fears have their origins in misconceptions about sex
and sexuality. Fears affect body functions and hence have adverse effects on
sexual functions in marriage. Knowledge of the human body increases ones
appreciation of the Powers of The All Mighty Allah.
As a starting point one must reflect that
it is Allah (SWT) Who Places Love and Mercy between husband and wife. Through
these feelings the couple experiences happiness, peace tranquility in each
other’s company. To arrive at these mutual experiences it is essential to know
each other’s tastes, habits, dislikes, bodies, desires, problems, fears and
anxieties. If they know, they will be able to help each other maintain and
improve happiness and solve problems and allay each other’s fears.
Some relevant questions are; when is the
body of the self and the body of the spouse healthy and sick/ill; when a woman
is menstruating, what kind of bleeding is normal and what kind of bleeding
needs the doctor’s attention; how can one identify sexual dysfunction; which factors
reduce sexual response in the partner, when and what kind of medical remedies
are available for sexual dysfunction and which problems can be solved by the
spouses without medical help. The knowledge content regarding these subjects
are numerous, but one must be prepared to READ (IQ-RA). Consultation with
physicians will be focused and remedies can easily be accessed when the doctor
is properly informed.
The
following are common and solvable problems:
1.
The menstrual flow of the young
woman is irregular – sometimes a two week or six month gap. The regular
menstrual cycle will start from six to twelve months after the first menstrual
bleeding.
2.
An abnormal bleeding, after
regular periods have been established, needs a doctor’s attention. Such
bleeding may be caused by a miscarriage or ECTOPIC pregnancy.
3.
If a wife experiences pain
during intercourse, then the following must be established and
reported to the doctor; is the pain sharp and low, superficial (on top),
burning or superficial, at the entrance of the vagina (INTROITAL PAIN) or deep
pain inside the vagina? All of the causes of these pains can successfully be
treated.
Fears in the mind of the
wife may also bring about pain or tightness of the vagina (VAGINISMUS). To know
that fears can induce pain in the pelvis/womb can in itself relieve the pain
experienced. A wife may fear abuse, infertility, aids or loss of bladder
control. The loss of bladder control during sexual arousal can be remedied by
emptying the bladder before sexual encounters and keeping the towels at
hand. Pain associated with tension is
often linked to abusive husbands. Satisfactory sex needs care and understanding
of each other.
Often woman do not reach sexual orgasm. The most common problem is
premature ejaculation of the husband. Constant female arousal, without orgasmic
release, creates congestion in the pelvic area due to HYPERAEMIA (bloated
bloodvessels)
This congestion, when often experienced, may result in abdominal
pains and feelings of dissatisfaction which may reduce her sexual desire (LOSS
OF LIBIDO). Husbands must be sensitive to their wives condition and consult
professionals to help them if the aforementioned problems arise. Premature
ejaculation and loss of sexual drive in woman can successfully be treated.
The arrival of children in a marriage may disturb the sexual
communication between husband and wife. Patience and effective time management
can enhance sexual communication between mother and father. During menstruation
husbands are advised not to fondle their wives below the navel. This advice
prevents excessive menstrual bleeding during female arousal. A wife may fondle
her husband to release any sexual tension he may develop during her menstrual
cycle.
IS THE RELEASE OF THE OVUM/EGG CELL DEPENDENT ON THE WIVE’S ORGASM
No. Connection to the top
of the vagina (the tube like structure which holds the penis during sexual
intercourse), is the upside down shape pear shaped uterus. It leans forward and
rests on the bladder. At the top on either side of the uterus, are two
tube-like growths, with broader, finger like, feathery edges. These tubes are
called the FALLOPIAN TUBES. Behind each tube are the ovaries. Each ovary is
attached by a broad ligament behind the tubes. Through these
ligaments blood vessels (OVARIAN ARTERIES) reach the ovaries. Each fallopian
tube “hugs” and ovary with their fingerlike FIMBRIAL ENDS. Within the substance
of the ovary are numerous cells, which at puberty, develop into at least ONE
ripe egg over every 28 days (monthly period) for +/- 35 years. When the egg
cell is ripe it moves to the surface of the ovary. The ovary membrane then raptures/breaks and the egg is released (OVULATION). The ripe egg is then
suspended and hangs between the ovary and the fingerlike structures of the
fallopian tubes (PARITONIAL CAVITY) FOR +/- 10-15 minutes. The fingerlike
structures then sweep the ripe egg into the fallopian tube. The development and
the release of the egg is then delicately and precisely controlled by hormones
(secretion) secreted in the PITUATARY GLAND (bottom, middle of the brain). These
hormones are activated by HYPOTHALAMUS in the base of the brain. The secretions
activate the ovaries to release two hormones/secretions, OESTROGEN (causes
thickening of the inner lining of the uterus (ENDOMETRIUM) and PROGESTERON
(makes the uterine lining soft and spongy). This is the preparation of the
uterine lining for a possible fertilized egg. When the egg cell is not
fertilized (no sperm cell entry), then the egg cell dies. At this point the
uterine lining breaks down/sheds and menstrual bleeding starts. The menstrual
bleeding can last from 3 to 8 days. Sometimes it can be as long as 12 to 15
days. At the end of the menstrual bleeding a new egg is already developing in
one of the ovaries. At +/- 14 days after menstruation a new ripe egg is again
released by the ovary and the endometrium again thickens and renews in
preparation for another possible fertilized egg. From the above it is evident
that egg release takes place regularly and that it is not dependent on a wife’s
orgasms. Pregnancy is thus possible without an orgasm.
WHAT IS FEMALE ORGASM?
Orgasm of the wife is
unrelated to the ovulation of the ripe eggs from her ovary. Female orgasm is a
mind-body response of the wife during intense sexual experience with her
husband. If she is highly, sexually motivated she may experience orgasm/s
without entry of the husband’s penis.
The following is what
basically happens in the wife’s body when she has an orgasm. The abdominal
muscles, from her vulva to her navel contracts and relaxes in a rocking motion.
The upper third of the vagina balloons thus allowing the lower two thirds to
contract. This causes a gripping and pulling motion in the vagina. This action
assists the penis to penetrate deeper into the uterus. Its gripping action also
causes an enlargement of the penis head, causing a pulsating force with which
the sperm is ejaculated. This assists possible fertilization of the waiting egg
in the uterus.
Female orgasm is
immediately followed by feelings of relief and extreme relaxation of nerves
through the whole body. She feels pleasurably lethargic (tired) and sleepy. The
husband, after experiencing ejaculation under the above conditions of wife-
orgasm, also feels a similar, satisfied, accomplished lethargy and sleepiness.
A female orgasm may last
between a minute and 90 seconds and some woman may have multiple (many) orgasms
during one penis penetration – but this is very rare.
It must be clear, that
when the uterus does not have a fetus inside, its walls are against each other
(bottom and top). This allows the peristaltic pull of sperm into the vagina and
uterus. When the vagina is not penetrated its walls are tight against each
other. The wetness a wife experience during sexual arousal is not an orgasm. It
is the lubrication needed to assist penis penetration. Female orgasm is not
followed by “female ejaculation”. Female orgasm is a pleasurable, muscular,
nerve sensation which soothes the wife’s body and mind.
HOW IMPORTANT IS FOREPLAY AND AFTERPLAY
We must accept that men
and woman are “of like nature”. Wives and husbands need foreplay for complete
sexual enjoyment. Foreplay helps to reduce feelings of
inequalities. Wives need more time to reach their peak of sexual arousal. He
must gently communicate with her with tender, loving ways, which will show
his patient care for her. This allows her to unwind from the daily stresses and
strains. During sexual intercourse the husband and wife “slip away” from the
worries of the material world and enter a world of blissful ecstasy.
Foreplay is not
prohibited; it is encouraged in prophetic statements (hadith).
Much of the foreplay starts in the preparation of the beauty of the body before
seeing each other. There must thus be a mental preparation. It is important to
keep the hair and the body clean. Many spouses are attracted by the clean smell
of the partner’s body shortly after a bath. The shaven armpits and pubic areas
enhance closer body contact. More nerve ends of the two private parts meet when
it is clean shaven/pubic hair is short. Visually the genitalia (private parts)
appear bigger and fuller when the pubic hair is removed. This assists the
sensual attraction between spouses. Vision and touch of each other’s naked
bodies stimulates more nerve ends in the whole body system. The individual thus
experiences increased sexual arousal. The heart beat increases, the blood vessels
expand, more blood pumps through, causing an increase in liquid excretion i.e.
a mild sweat is experience during sexual arousal. This explains the Islamic
tradition of keeping the body clean before and after sexual contact. The breathing rate increases and even the
voice changes to a huskier, sensuous tone. Both husband and wife enjoy this. It
is necessary to vocalize ones love and desire for each other during sexual
encounters. Within such a warm, loving and reassuring atmosphere the wife’s
lubrication increases in natural preparation for penis penetration. When the
husband feels the increased sensation of the wife, he must proceed at the same
pace. This will prevent him from premature ejaculation. Male circumcision
places the skin of the penis further back from the rim of the penis. This
extends the time of foreplay and prevents male premature ejaculation. It is
important that the husband maintain the same slow rhythm when he enters the
penis head and when he goes towards full penis entry. This allows the wife
enough time to build up towards her orgasm.
The perfection of sexual
intercourse between husband and wife is based on mutual understanding, love and
care. It is something that must we worked at regularly, with full knowledge of
one another’s needs, fears and dislikes. Husbands must never force sexual
intercourse on his wife, erroneously believing it is his right. If he does
this, he will make his wife fearful and resentful and thus deprive her and
himself from the serenity of marital sexual relations.
Gentle caresses,
reassuring conversations and the supportive hugs of each other, after sexual
satisfaction, bring about mutual gratefulness for each other. This warm after
play strengthens the marital bond between the spouses. Thanking each other after sexual encounters heightens appreciation for each other. This keeps the
flame of love burning. This kind of warm, considerate care, which is expressed
in words and actions for each other positively impacts on all aspects of each
one’s life. Making a cup of tea/coffee for the wife after sexual encounters
with her, speaks volumes for her feelings and assurance. Men have been given the
extra strength to keep woman safe, happy and to make them feel appreciated.
A wife who feels exploited will not respond positively to her husband’s
advances. Husbands must refrain from ill-treating their wives. Wives are
sensitive and this must be respected.
Marital sexual intercourse
must be sort for in order to satisfy the other spouse, self-satisfaction must
take a secondary role. This selfless service for the spouse gets an appreciative
response, which grants the giver unexpected satisfaction. Men seldom realize
that it is the way they treat their wives out of bed, which impact on her
sexual responses towards him. It is the caring nature of men that attracts the
positive sexual response from woman. A husband and father who truly exert
himself positively for his family, will be blessed with a giving and supportive
wife. His wife will realize that the best support she can give him is to make
him feel “like a man”.
Married couples, who have
a sound sexual communication, can together face enormous life challenges. They
both have a very high degree of self-worth. Children who grow up in the company
of such parents, themselves develop a good self-esteem/self-worth. Happy
spouses make loving and successful parents.
WHAT MUST THE HUSBAND DO TO MAKE THE WIFE FEEL LIKE A WOMAN?
Passionate sexual
responses from the wife can only happen in an atmosphere created by a courteous
husband. The Almighty Allah has ordered men to fear/have consciousness of Allah
(SWT) and the wombs. Men must act towards woman with full consciousness of
Allah (SWT). He must not abuse his wife. He must protect her and help her to
reach her full potential. He must not suffocate her with possessiveness. An
abusive husband cannot expect a wife to be passionate towards him. The positive
response from the womb is dependent on the mind, which is free from oppression.
It is un-islamic to oppress any individual, especially one’s wife. A husband
who is considerate to his wife, frees her from inhibitions. She will then freely
interact with him, ensuring mutual enjoyment. She must feel safe, beautiful,
appreciated and tranquil in his hands. This unlocks the tenderness of a woman.
Reciprocal (mutual) care and service to each other is rewarding to both. A
successful marriage primarily lies in the couple’s preparedness to live
islamicly. It means to believe that the Almighty Allahis Ever Present and Sees
all that they do. We must not hurt anyone in word or deed.
If we apply this ALLAH-CONSCIOUSNESS (TAQWA), we shall be assisted through all
our trials and tribulations and be granted success in every aspect of our
lives. A successful marriage ensures happiness in this life and the year after.
A husband who is prepared
to work hard in his sacrifice (actively provide- NAFAQA)for the happiness of
his wife, will be blessed with a caring and pious wife. She will help him
achieve success iin this life and the year after. His children will also be
happy and Mercy and Peace from Allah will descend on such a home. A man that
spends his assets, strength and time to create a tranquil, happy environment
for his family is amongst the “true men”, the carers of woman (QOW-WAA-MUUN).
Those husbands/wives who exploit the other spouse avail themselves to the
snares of satan. Satan always advises towards the wrong, but will desert the
wrongdoer on the day of judgment. It is normally the fainthearted that are
abusive.
THE ADVERSE EFFECTS OF CONTRACEPTIVES
Contraceptives down the
centuries have remained controversial not only because of the adverse effects,
but also because it is being used as a political and social tool to manipulate
families, communities and nations. Constant reference is made of the population
explosion and the lack of provision for the millions on earth today, a constant lie for political manipulation. We know that developed countries with a zero population growth rate consume
approximately 80% of the world's natural and produced resources.
Certain countries and organisations, local and international, are placing enormous pressure on societies to have abortions on demand, as part of family planning strategies - and as such women become the major victims.
The contraception methods that interfere, most commonly, with a woman's natural menstrual cycle, includes the contraceptive pill, the hormone injectable forms and intra-uterine devices. All these contraceptives can affect her physically and emotionally, in turn also affect her relationship with her children, husband, neighbours and associates, because of the strain she has to bear. The harmony in the marriage, where applicable, is disrupted, resulting in an array of ills in the family and society as a whole. Male leaders usually rule the countries to ruin, then expect women to sacrifice to " improve the quality of life" of the nation - through contraceptives.
THE CONTRACEPTIVE PILL [page 45]
THE ADVERSE EFFECTS OF CONTRACEPTIVES? M4)
Contraception
down the centuries has remained controversial not only because of the adverse
effects, but also because it is being used as political and social tool to
manipulate families, communities and nations.
Constant reference is made of the population explosion and the lack of
provision for millions on earth today. However we do know that developed
countries with a zero population growth rare consume approximately 80% of the
world’s resources.
Certain
countries and organisations, local and international, are placing enormous
pressure on societies to have abortions on demand, as part of family planning
strategies-and as such women become the major victims.
The
contraceptive methods that interfere most commonly with a woman’s natural
menstrual cycle, includes the contraceptive pill, the hormonal injectable forms
and intra-uterine devices. All these contraceptives affect the female
only. Her responses to contraceptives
can affect her physically and emotionally, in turn also affect her relationship
with her children, husband, family, neighbours and associates because of the
strain she has to bear. The harmony in the marriage, where applicable, is
disrupted, resulting in an array of ills in the family and society as a whole.
Male leaders usually rule the countries to ruin then expect women to sacrifice
to “improve the quality of life” of the nation – through contraceptives.
THE CONTRACEPTIVE PILL:
This
consists of two hormones, oestrogen and progestogen, in concentrations that
mimic the natural hormones in the female.
Its
prime purpose is to prevent the ovary from releasing a mature egg each month.
At the end of every pill-packet cycle, a withdrawal bleed takes place.
Counselling women on how to take these pills is not easy. Many women take pills
in a haphazard manner. It becomes easy to understand why so many women complain
of irregular bleeding at odd times, including after intercourse. Haphazard pill
taking reduces the pill’s effectiveness. This is why many women fall pregnant
while on the pill.
Women,
who consult their physician for colds and flu, depression, other infections or
anxiety, fail to tell their doctor that they are on the pill. Some doctors also
fail to ask their female patients the necessary questions. Tranquillisers,
anti-fungal preparations and anti-biotics interfere with the effectiveness of
the pill action. This is the reason why many women fall pregnant even though
they take the pill regularly. The molecular activity of the pill has a variety
of adverse effects on the women; nausea, vomiting, headaches, breast pains and
breast fullness are common symptoms. Weight gain is a very common problem
associated with the pill. Facial skin discolouration (CHLOASMA) is due to the
effect of the pill on pigmentation. These are troublesome symptoms, usually
insensitively brushed aside by doctors and health workers alike.
MAJOR
SIDE-EFFECTS OF THE PILL INCLUDE:
1.
Loss of Libido M5): the loss of sexual desire in women is becoming a major problem as more and
more women use the pill. It creates sexual disharmony and marital discord.
2.
The relationship between breast cancer and the use of the
pill remains controversial.
3.
Deep vein thrombosis (blood clots) and pulmonary embolism
(lung blood clots) are major side-effects of the pill in women with a history
of deep vein thrombosis. The use of the more modern and third generation pill
(GESTODENE) in Europe, Britain and South Africa has resulted in an increase in
the number of deaths due to DEEP VEIN THROMBOSIS caused by the pill.
4.
In a small percentage of women, with vascular defects in the
brain (BERRI-ANEURISM), cerebral haemorrhage has occurred with pill use.
5.
Women with high blood pressure, heart disease and diabetes
are strongly advised not to use the pill.
INJECTABLE
CONTRACEPTIVES
These
contraceptives are commonly called DEPO-PROVERA (3 monthly) and NURISTERATE (2
monthly).
INJECTABLES CAUSE THE FOLLOWING COMMON
CONDITIONS:
1.
Irregular vaginal bleeding in the first three to twelve
months is common.
2.
No menstrual cycles follow thereafter.
3.
The female’s general appearance deterioration of skin and
hair.
4 Weight gain.
5.
Difficulty in falling pregnant after stopping the injections.
It can take up to two years before the woman is able to fall pregnant.
6.
It often causes dryness of the vagina and thus a loss of
libido/sexual desire in the woman.M8) .
Injectable
contraceptives have only recently been declared safe in USA, but have been
promoted and used for decades in most undeveloped countries including South
Africa.M10).
INTRA-
UTERINE DEVICES
These
are mechanical devices consisting a copper centrepiece and plastic side arms
that are inserted into the uterine cavity. It works as follows;
1.
The endometrial lining appears inflamed (PSEUDO INFLAMMATORY
STATE).
2.
It interferes with the sperm as it enters the uterine cavity
thus causing the sperm to die.
THE
DISADVANTAGES OF THE DEVICE INCLUDE
1.
Prolonged excessive bleeding M9.
2.
Infections.
3.
Endometriosis (blood spilling backwards through the fallopian
tubes into the abdomen cavity).
4.
It can interfere with intercourse by irritating the husband’s
penis.
5.
It can fall out without the woman knowing and thus she can
fall pregnant.
6.
The dislodged device may pass through the uterus and land in
between the loops of the intestines, causing obstruction and infection in the
abdomen.
NATURAL
AND BARRIER METHODS OF CONTACEPTION:
These
natural methods of contraception include;
1.
The Rhythm on Calendar Method: An attempt here is made to abstain from
intercourse during the ovulation period/time. Ovulation occurs +/- 14 days
after the FIRST DAY of the PERIOD.
2.
The Basal Body Temperature Method: The basal (rest) body
temperature, taken first thing in the morning, before getting out of bed, RISES
by 1 degree Centigrade at the time of ovulation. This temperature needs
to be taken daily throughout the cycle. The drawback of this method is that
ovulation may occur in the afternoon. Having intercourse in the evening will
then result in pregnancy.
3.
The Cervical Mucus Method: this method detects the presence of
an egg white, thin copious discharge at the time of ovulation. Unfortunately
most women cannot distinguish discharge at ovulation from discharge due to
other causes/infection.
4.
Lactation/Breast-feeding: breast-feeding, when done
correctly (i.e. Breast-feeding on baby demand or four hourly)/frequently
without substitute of bottle feeding, also serves as a form of contraception. After
two years of regular breast-feeding, its effectiveness as a contraceptive
method rapidly wears off. The average time period between two pregnancies, with
Breast-feeding as a sole contraceptive, is 37 months (3 years).
5.
Coitus interruptus: This was used during the Prophet
Muhammad’s (Pbuh) time. This method is simply the timeous withdrawal of the penis
before ejaculation. This method creates a high degree of dissatisfaction for
the husband and wife. Natural methods best applied are the combinations of the
above.
BARRIER METHODS OF CONTRACEPTION:
These
include condoms used by men, Cervical Diaphragms (latex cup inserted into the
vagina) and Spermicides (chemicals inserted into the vagina before intercourse,
which kills sperm) used by females. Condoms: These latex rubber coverings over
the penis, prevent the sperm from entering the uterus and the spread of
infections (EXCEPT AIDS – the AIDS virus molecule is small enough to go through
the microscopic spaces of the latex rubber). Disadvantages of the condom
include; breakage, rolling off, poor quality and incorrect usage.
Natural
methods of contraception are not widely used due to the many pregnancies that
have occurred, though it is still the healthiest way of contraception.
Synthetic contraceptives (e.g. PILL & INJECTABLES) pose the greatest health
risks for the wife. It is better to use contraceptive techniques which do not
interfere with the woman’s natural body functions. Contraceptives that
interfere with normal body functions is self-abuse (which is prohibited in
Islam; unless the mother’s life is in danger – in which case “the lesser of the
evils” Islamic rule must be applied).
Sterilisation
operations advised and performed by specialists, where further pregnancies will
endanger the life of the mother, have no side effects. Sterilisation operations
occlude/close the fallopian tubes, preventing sperms from reaching the ovum.
Normal periods still occur after sterilisation. When the womb is surgically
removed (hysterectomy; due to general malfunction) then no menstruation will
take place. A Hysterectomy does not reduce sexual pleasure – some women report
an enhancement of sexual pleasure after their hysterectomies. Some women, after
a ‘hysterectomy and a long absence from sexual intercourse, may experience a
loss of sexual desire / pain when intercourse is resumed. With regular
subsequent intercourse her condition will improve. M13).
If
contraception becomes necessary in a marriage, it is advised that the husband
shares this responsibility by choosing contraceptives for himself.
FEMALE
SEXUAL DYSFUNCTIONS
Couples
need to understand what causes sexual dysfunction/problems. Sexual disharmony
can be physiological (body malfunction) or psychological (state of mind) M14).
Fear
of pain or a memory of a past traumatic sexual encounter, can cause some women
to experience spasm of the vagina. This prevents penis penetration (VAGINISMUS)
on the wedding night M15). Bridegrooms must be timeous with
marital sex, if they suspect fears in the bride. Take a week if you must, but
do not force, because force may negatively affect the wife’s whole sexual
future. The husband must aim to earn his wife’s initial/”first night” respect
as a considerate man. This will positively impact on their sexual life for the
future.
Vaginismus
is becoming more common because of the many terminal sexual diseases,
especially AIDS, which have become internationally prevalent M16). It would thus assist the sexual success of the marriage
if couples present each other with bona fide (truthful) medical certificates
providing their health periodically. Successful marital sex rests on complete
trust, feelings of safety and security between the spouses. If vaginismus is
the result of premarital sexual abuse of the wife, then the husband should
exercise extreme patience in order to help his wife regain confidence.
If
there is no abnormalities in the female genitalia (e.g. narrow vagina; intact
(unbroken) hymen; thrush; herpes; warts; allergies (from detergents/soaps);
cystitis; chronic constipation; infections or endometriosis (menstrual bleeding
outside the womb)M17),
then dryness of the vagina is often the cause of discomfort and pain, for the
wife, during sexual intercourse. Dryness
of the vagina can be avoided with a little more patience and sexual foreplay
from the husband. Most women need time to become sexually aroused and lubricateM18) to ease vaginal
penetration.
The
greatest problem which leads to sexual dysfunction is the high expectations
husbands and wives have of each other. Spouses should aim to serve the other
spouse sexually. Unselfish giving gets grateful responses which is satisfying
to both.
Tiredness
and discontent suffered at home/ at the workplace often interferes with
positive marital sexual responses.M19) Stress often negatively impacts on marital sexual behaviour.
The home must be a place of relaxation, not unloading of stresses. Men at times
find peace of mind with his friends rather than with his wife and children. The
wife and children at most then feel deserted and unappreciated. The husband can
overcome his “desire to run away from home – to friends” by conditioning
himself to find solace at home. We must try and remember the Hadith narration
that the Best men are those who are the best with their wives55)
WHAT
TYPES OF MALE SEXUAL DYSFUNCTIONS ARE THERE?
The
most common is premature ejaculation. This is ejaculation under three minutes,
after entry into the vagina. The treatment for this is appropriate sexual
counselling for both partners. Sexual inexperience and infrequent sexual
intercourse are the most common causes for premature ejaculation. This can be
remedied by the “Stop-Start Method” and the “Sensate Awareness Method”.
Stop-Start
Method:
This
method requires the wife to stimulate her husband under his guidance during
sexual intercourse. She stops/he withdraws when he indicates an intensification
of his arousal (just before ejaculation). This allows his sexual excitement to
subside. They then start again. The Stop-Start Method improves his control of
emission and lengthens his pre-ejaculation period. Premature ejaculation will
then decrease with the use of this method.
Sensate
Awareness Method:
This
method requires the couple to sexually explore each other’s bodies allowing
each to subjectively indicate pleasurable and non-pleasurable tactile (touch)
responses. This is done without actual intercourse, which allows individuals to
control their responses and also enjoy the sexual interaction. This method is
helpful for premature ejaculation and vaginismus.
“Dry”
orgasms is another male sexual dysfunction. This may be caused by certain
medications such as tranquillisers (e.g. Valium). A weakness in the bladder
neck muscles can cause the semen to be deposited into the bladder hence the
‘dry’ orgasms. This can be corrected with surgery.
Impotence
(erection failure) is often caused by psychological factors. Feeling of sexual
performance fears, - guilt, -anxiousness, -ignorance can cause impotence. A
husband may be anxious about his wife’s sexual response, causing in him
erectile dysfunction. This can be remedied by good sex counselling by a trained
sex therapist.
Physiological
dysfunctions also disturb sexual functions. This include erectile tissue
problems and vein structural problems in the penis. Presently there is no
effective oral medication available for physiological impotence. This condition
can to date be effectively treated with Prostaglandin Injections (one injection
into the spongy tissue of the penis at times of need). At times
testosterone/hormonal injections need to be given for erectile tissue
dysfunction. Surgery can unblock blood vessels (PROSTHESIS) to rectify the
impotence. Medical conditions such as diabetes, Arterial Occlusive Disease
(blocked arteries), neurological disorders, chronic liver and kidney disease
and substance/drug/alcohol abuse are common causes of impotence. These
conditions can be prevented or treated. Sexual impotence in males affect their
self-esteem. The wife’s supportive role is needed during these times. Husbands
need to tell their wives of their problem. This is the first step to successful
treatments.
ARE
MARRIED COUPLES ALONE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR MARITAL SEXUAL PROBLEMS?
No
and Yes. “No” firstly because the couple’s sexual expectations are greatly
influenced by the society they are in. “Yes” they are responsible for their
sexual problems, if they do not educate themselves effectively and correctly
about sex and how to cope with the society’s bad influences.
Four
major factors are cited for divorce: bad partner choice, financial Difficulty,
in-Law intervention and Sexual Dysfunction. These problems can be solved via
the good advice from Islamic sources. It is a myth that dating / courtship is
necessary for a man and woman to know each other. The many divorces amongst
couples who have courted for many years prior to marriage is proof of the
failure of “the need for courtship before marriage”. Courtship / cohabititng is
not the correct “training” for marriage. It may become clearer if we try
and differentiate between courtship and marriage under various sub-sections:
DIFFERENTIATION BETWEEN COURTSHIP AND
MARRIAGE
SUB-SECTION
|
COURTSHIP
|
MARRIAGE
|
1.
Stimulatory
factors
|
More physical than mental
attraction, devoid of sharing legal responsibility.
|
Physical but more mental
attraction with desire to share legal responsibility.
|
2.
Physical
contact
|
Secretive; Parents unaware
of place, Tension high for fear of loss of virginity.
|
Secretive, but has status of
privacy. Parents aware. Pregnancy honourable.
|
3.
Children
|
Illegitimate
|
Blessing from Allah (SWT)
|
4.
Financial
affairs
|
Separate. No real
responsibilities.
|
Personal responsibility of
the husband.
|
5.
Exclusive
partnership
|
No legal bond. Change easy.
|
Legal and Social laws force
exclusivity. Adultery illegal.
|
6.
Problems
|
Face alone. Outsiders not
involved.
|
Legal, family, friends help
expected.
|
7.
Activity
|
Fun. Outgoing, Free
|
Work more, less play. Many
responsibilities. In industrialised societies.
|
8.
Best
Behaviour
|
Always the best, for fear of
loss or separation.
|
May deteriorate. Also
improve. Separation not easy.
|
9.
Continuity
|
No legal bond.
|
Law, families, children
ensure bond for future.
|
1.
Dissolution
|
Easy. Personal dignity may
be scarred. No legal remedy.
|
Personal and Family dignity
scarred. Legal remedy for splitting assets.
|
The
Prophet Muhammad (Pbuh) is reported to have advised marriage of the teenagers.
Considering the afore-mentioned table, it is evident that marriage is better
than courtship. This is hard for Westerners to perceive, because other Islamic
infrastructures are not in place, i.e. security of a means of income for
married teenagers. This should be worked at so that young marriages can be
encouraged. Aids has forced parents to encourage their teenage children to
marry. We should not wait for a calamity before we follow the advice of the
Prophet Muhammad (Pbuh).
The
table shows that courtship is not real. It rests on fantasy. At most it is
exploitive towards women. Many men de-flower their girlfriends, making them
very attached to them. Then these men leave these girls for others, scarring
their previous girlfriends for life. Love stories, love dramas’ songs, adverts
etc., which are aimed at the teenagers, often create the stage for unrealistic
sexual expectations. Sensual goals become the main purpose for courtship and
even for marriage among Westerners/secularists. The “goals” lead to high sexual
expectations, anxiety and performance fears between couples who subsequently
marry.
Media
has created the false impression that males and females, generally, take longer
to experience a climax. Media also wrongly projects women as the spouse who
takes the initiative. The tension these misrepresentations cause, contribute
towards marriage failures.
WHAT
KINDS OF HIGH EXPECTAIONS ARE THERE?
Women
are expected to look “sexy” in the Western world. This puts a lot of pressure
on her as she grows older. Some women go to great lengths to stay young. They
gym, diet, spend lavishly on make-up, sexy lingerie, fashion and even cosmetic
surgery have all been used to stay young. These practices put a great deal of
psychological and financial pressure on the spouses and on the marriage.
For
a long time men have been portrayed as the one who must initiate relationships.
In marriage thus men are always expected to make the advances. Today’s filming
portrays the women as the one who makes the advances. Husbands thus patiently
waits a tired, run-down wife to make herself available, while she patiently
awaits his caring advances – invariably the night passes without satisfaction
on both sides. This waiting game is erroneous. In Islam men and women are
encouraged to take the initiative, the husband can play with his wife and vice
versa; men/women can take the initiative for marriage directly / by proxy
(Prophet Muhammad (Pbuh)’s first wife, Khadijah). The undue expectations have
been common causes of spouses being highly strung and irritable.
Some
men are under the illusion that they have to be macho and overpowering, because
women like it. This misconception can be linked to the influence of filming and
advertisement images. Wives, generally, prefer their husband’s gentle, loving,
caring but strong, supportive approach towards sexual encounters with them.
Professional advice is to take time to know each other during marriage – not
through courtship. During courtship
sexual encounters (prohibited for Muslims),women often fake orgasms to
impress the man. This is often learnt from movies and other materials.
During marriage all “guards/veils” drop and the innermost weaknesses of spouses
are exposed. Marriage is thus the real ground for sexual exploration with each
other. Media has also indoctrinated the minds to relate “good looks” with
“passionate sex”. This is not so. Every healthy individual, given the correct
mental and physical, sexual treatment, will respond passionately. Most men and
women respond passionately when they feel needed and desired. When a person is
abused, exploited and taken advantage of, then his/her sexual response is
negatively affected. Many women are of the opinion that their husbands do not
desire them when they grow older. They then seldom, if ever, take the
initiative for sex with their husbands. This normally happens in the absence of
communication between spouses regarding their sexual needs. The sexual
expectations of each other, without verbal communication, often lead to stress.
This negatively impacts on the relationship and marital sexual encounters
decrease. Spouses then seek outside fulfilment, without realising that they
failed to communicate their feelings and will probably have the same problem
with the new relationship as the novelty of it wears off. Couples should try to
make their partners feel attractive. They must not take each other for granted.
Husbands and wives still need to woo each other. Sex in marriage must be
discussed and worked at to make it enjoyable for both. Expectations must be
kept to a minimum and communication should be used effectively and positively.
SHOULD MUSLIMS
MARRY YOUNG?
Marriage
legitimises sexual intercourse. Sexual intercourse is thus automatically linked
to care and responsibility. Intercourse in marriage is a protection for the
private parts, and is thus needed for a healthy life. This is advised to the
youth by Prophet Muhammad (Phub), 50) if
they have voluntary capability (IS-TA-TOA-‘A). Marriage will also help to lower
one’s gaze and be modest. Fasting is advised when voluntary capability is
absent. The aforementioned hadith50) calls
upon the society to allow the youth total social integration through marriage.
Young men must be encouraged to be economically active so that they may be in a
position to “voluntarily” support a wife, and hence a family. Islam is family
centred. It promotes marriage during youth strength (SHA-BAAB=teenagers) 50), provided the young person/is capable of proper care
for the wife and children. Free sex, without marriage is not encouraged. Sex
with the responsibility of marriage is encourage. Islamic sexual guidance is
thus based on “moral fibre” – marriage. This brings about peace of mind and
progress of society, where the young and old can together build a nation.
Western thinkers postpone marriage for “career” purposes. This happens because
capitalistic states are not family centred. Rather, they discourage marriage,
via tax levies etc. the youth are thus encouraged to stay at educational institutions
via mass media indoctrination. This prevents a rush on the job-market, which is
machine, not labour centred. Marriage postponements to the 30’s and over then
creates the problems of infertility and mongolism in babies (having waited too
long for the first pregnancy). Education needs to be accelerated to prepare
well-educated young couples for marriage and the job market.
Good
parenting thus requests of us to prepare our youth with the skills and means
for marriage. Where the youthful has a desire for marriage, parents and family
members must rally around them, welcome their marriage and support them/ give
them jobs to start good, secure families. Young couples will then have the
strength to nurture the children and be young and strong enough to guide their
growing children, for a healthy society. The courtship culture of the modern
world, is financially profitable for business because the youth’s desires are
stimulated to advertise products in consumerism. Unfortunately this culture
reduces marriage potentials and increases stress, illegitimacy, drugs, youth
crime, rape and general abuse. Early marriages are possible with the correct
nurturing education for males and females regarding their roles as supportive
individuals to the complimentary sex, rather than the “opposite” sex.
Adulthood and
nation building, through creative skills development in marriage, is central in
Islam. This ensures social peace and hence spiritual growth. While modern
cultures concentrate on fantasy, Islamic Guidelines aim at real progress for
all. Islamic marital advice possesses the flame of true and lasting love, not
fantasy.
CONCLUSION
Finding solutions
to a problem, so ill defined, poorly understood and wrapped in confusion and
mystery has not been an easy task. We have tried to the best of our ability to
provide a truthful, clear and simple insight to a problem infrequently
discussed in our society, the major discouragement is community’s cynical
reaction to the topic of sex. We have braved the seas and have tried to be as
honest as possible. We pray that the Almighty Allah will Forgive us for any
mistakes or evil we may have written unknowingly – Amin. And we pray that our
attempt will bring more happiness in families and reduce the divorce rate – Amin.
The solutions for sexual dysfunctions between spouses, which we tried to
elucidate are not entirely our own. We have primarily consulted the specific
Qur’anic ayaat (Divine Signs) and Ahaadith (Prophetic sayings) relating to marital
relationships. We have further delved into the specific semantics of the Arabic
words used in the aforementioned sources w.r.t. the specific aayaat. We have
also researched into psychology, sociology, economics and medical literature. Our
idea with this attempt was to lay the foundations for the creation of an open,
balanced and responsible attitude towards marital se, based on the Islamic Courtesy
(A-DAB) in inter-sexual behaviour between husband and wife as opposed to
treating sex as a subject that may give rise to feelings of guilt. The attempt
is also equally opposed to treating it in an immoral and casual manner without
due regard to modesty and respect that something as intimate and personal as
sexual life demands.
In trying to summarise
the avenues towards improved marital sexual behaviour of married couples we
have to start with the need for both parties to appreciate that The Almighty
Allah is The One Who Places Love and Mercy between the hearts of husbands and
wives 53). We must respect and care for each
other as a means of showing gratefulness to Allah (SWT) for the Love He placed
between us. Men must accept the responsibility of using their strengths and
assets to defend the rights of women and to create a loving and tranquil
environment for women. Women should realise that the beauty and comfort skills
they possess have the power of strengthening their husbands to work towards the
progress of the whole family and other people. Happy, caring, loving and
mutually respectful spouses lay the foundation for secure and happy children.
Children who witness the radiant love between their parents have the perfect
environment for learning Islam in practice. It is in such a tranquil, happy
home that Islamic marital sexual guidelines can be taught to children by their
parents.
When kindness
and consideration exist between the mother and father, then a beautiful
framework of life is formed for the nurturing for excellent offspring. The
happiness of children is the dream of all parents. This is attainable if
parents seriously try to understand one another as husband and wife. If parents
are happy and open-hearted then their children will follow their beautiful
example, in their (children’s) subsequent married lives – In Shaa Allah Aameen - and Allah SWT Knows Best.
WHAT STEPS CAN WE
TAKE TO CREATE A POSITIVE HOME FRONT:
1.
Parents
should help one another understand their own sexual needs.
2.
Their
children must feel happy to ask them any questions related to sex.
3.
The
parents need a good holistic understanding of Islamic Advice and Practice.
4 4. Social
gatherings of the teenagers should be arranged under the discrete watchful eyes
of the parents (this is one of many correct atmospheres where girls and boys
could meet each other).
5. 5. Create
the community atmosphere in which Muslim males can develop into trustworthy,
noble men who will not shy away from marriage, but have the strength even to
marry divorcees and widows with the purpose of protecting women.
6.
Marriage
should be encouraged between teenagers (with due consideration of the
prevailing circumstances)
7.
Parents
should assist their married children initially so that they may find their
feet.
8.
Communities
should create a community spirit in which females will feel free to make direct
marriage proposals to eligible men or through exemplary proxies and women who
would respectfully accept such proposals.
The above
steps will help us create the foundation for a morally, open minded,
progressive and prosperous Islamic society. In such a Muslim society the
incorrect notions, that marital sex is evil, nudity in front of your spouse is
prohibited and that sexual play between spouses is unbecoming, cannot find
root.
Married
couples must relax and enjoy each other. They must feel safe with each other.
Such couples will together progress in every aspect of life and – IN SHAA ALLAH AAMEEN be happy together in this world and in JANNAH (heaven). O! Allah (SWT) please Forgive us for the mistakes we have made and Guide us further on the Road to
happiness in our homes and in the hereafter –AMIN.
WAL-LAA-HU
TA-‘AA-LAA’A-LAM (The Almighty Allah Knows BEST).
REFERENCES
1) XXX: 21.
2) XXXiii: 21.
3) Anas (RA) p.326 “Muhammad(S) Blessing
for Mankind”; Afazlur Rahman.
4) Xxi: 107.
5) Xvi: 89; xli: 42; ii: 185.
6) Progress in Obstetrics &
Gynaecology Vol. 9 p.303.
7) Ch 1-13 p66 Riyaad Assolighiin; Abu
Dhar (Muslim) Vol. 1.
8) Bukh Vol. 7 had: 94 p.70.
9) Bukh Vol. 7 p.3.
10) Ixiv: 11; vi: 71, 88. Ii: 21/2.
11) Xxx: 21.
12) Ibid.
13) Ii: 30; vi: 165.
14) Cix: 1-6.
15) Ii: 177.
16) Bukh. Vol. 1p. 18.
17) Iv: 34.
18) Ar-riyaa-dus-so-li-geen p.253 Vol. 1.
19) Xv: 28, 29.
20) Xcv: 4.
21) Ii: 187.
22) Bukh Vol. 1 p.18.
23) Xvii: 53.
24) Ibid.
25) Xxxvi: 60; ii: 168.
26) Ii: 30; vi: 165.
27) Ii: 223.
28) 28a) ii: 223. 28b) ii: 222.
29) Iv: 1.
30) Ibid.
31) Bukh Vol. 7 H: 17 p.11.
32) Ii: 223.
33) Xxiii: 5, 6. 33a) Bukh V.1 p. 180.
34) Bukh Vol. 7 had 15 p.11.
35) Bukh Vol. 1 p. 160/1 H: 258.
36) Bukh. 5:23.
37) Xxiv: 58.
38) Bukh. Vol. 7 H3 p.3.
39) Xxix: 40.
40) Xxvi: 221-7; xvi: 98-100.
41) Iv: 79.
42) Iv: 34; ixvi: 6.
43) Iv: 19; xxx: 21; ii: 187.
44) Ii: 223.
45) Iv: 1; Bukh. Vol.7 p. 11/12.
46) Iv: 1; Bukh. Vol. 7 p.11/12.
47) Iv: 34.
48) Bukh. Vol. 9 p. 69, H 83.
49) Xiv; 22.
50) Bukh. Vol. 7 p.3, H3.
51) Bukh. Vol. 8 p. 290, H433.
52) Bukh. Vol. 1 p.20, H15.
53) Xxx: 21.
54) Iv: 34.
55) Tr. 10:11.
M1) principles of Gynaecology 5th Edition, 1993,
Feff Coate p.15.
M2) progress in Obstetrics and Gynaecology Vol. 8 Studd
p.251.
M3) medical Sex Journal Vol. 4 no: 4 1003 p. 100 D Renshaw.
M4) Medical Sex Journal Vol. 5 no: 2 1994, p.43, Dr KE Saphire.
M5-M9) The Female Patient, 3rd Quarter 1994,
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M10) British Medical Journal No: 1 Vol. 3, Sept 1995.
M11) Ibid; Female Patient p.5.
M12) Principles of Gynaecology, 5th Edition, J
Coate p.626.
M13) Endoscopic Surgery for Gynaecologists, Sutton &
Diamon, 1993, p. 113.
M14 & M15) Progress… Vol.9, F Reader.
M16) Medical Sex Journal, Vol.4, no. 3, 1993, p.73, DL
Wilson.
M17) Progress in O & B Vol. 8, 1990, C Sutton, p.251.
M18) Progress… Vol. 9, 1991, p.303, F Reader.
M19) Progress… Vol. 5, 1985, p. 239, Barry, G. Wren.
M20) Medical Sex journal, 1995, Vol. 6, No.3 Stanley Koreman p16.
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