Sunday, January 9, 2011

Towards understanding Sexual Courtesy in Islam by Dr O.M. Pandie & M.F.Arnold

Towards Understanding Sexual Courtesy in Islam
By: Dr. O.F.Pandie & M.F.ArnoldPublisher: ICRA Publications 1997

This book attempts to recapture the dignity of Marital Sexual Behaviour. It closely guides this very sensitive aspect of life via Al-Qur'an and Aghaadeeth (Prophetic Statements) as well as medical references. It is hoped that this contribution will greatly reduce Marital Dysfunctions and the divorce rates in all communities.

  1. Acknowledgment
  2. 1st Foreword
  3. 2nd Foreword
  4. About the Authors
  5. Preface
  6. Introduction
  7. Why was this book written?
  8. What is Love?
  9. Which Characteristics enhance love?
  10. What is Sexual Intercourse?
  11. Sexual Dangers.
  12. Dangerous Advice.
  13. Is Marital Sexual Intercourse also for Pleasure?
  14. Sexual Prerequisites
  15. Is Sex the main Reason for marriage?
  16. Why must we try our best in Marital Sex?
  17. Which Factors Disturb Marital Sex?
  18. How can knowledge enhance/improve sexual desire?
  19. Is the Release of the Ovum/Egg cell Dependent on the Wife's Orgasm?
  20. What is Female Orgasm?
  21. How Important is Foreplay and Afterplay?
  22. What must the husband do to make his wife "Feel like a Woman"
  23. The Adverse Effects of Contraceptives.
  24. Female Sexual Dysfunctions
  25. What Type of Male Sexual Dysfunctions are there?
  26. Are Married Couples Alone Responsible for their Marital Sexual Problems?
  27. What kind of High Expectations are there?
  28. Should Muslims Marry Young?
  29. Conclusion
  30. Notes
1. Acknowledgment

All Thanks and Praise are for The Almighty Allah, Who Grants everything. We thank Him for granting us the health and strength to completed this book. We hope and pray that this book will benefit all of us in this life and in the hereafter - Inshaa Allah Aamin.

We thank Sheikh Nazeem Taliep, Sheikh Armien Fakier, Moulana Ebrahim Adam, Sheikh Muhammad Faadil (Abdul) Latief and Dr. Mohammed Haroon for their valuable advice and comments after reading the book's draft. We also extend our thanks to the ladies and couples who also gave constructive input after reading the draft.

Our sincere thanks also go to our wives and children, without whose support we would not have been able to complete this book.

Last but not least, we would like to thank the desktop publishers Lee Kleinveldt and Nathan Erasmus for their painstaking efforts to make this book layout available to you the readers.

We pray to The Almighty Allah for His Forgiveness for any shortcomings - Inshaa Allah Aamin.

Thank You

Yours in Islam
Omar Faried Pandie & Mogamat Faadiel Arnold

December 1997

1st Forward

All Praise belongs to The Almighty Allah, The One Who Guided us to Islam. May Allah, The Almighty, shower His Blessings and Salutations on our Beloved Prophet Muhammad (S.A.W), his family and companions.

Islam is a complete way of life. As such, its precepts serve as Divine Guidance in all spheres of life. It is therefore inconceivable that Islam would be absolutely mute vis-a-vis sex and sexual courtesy.

"Conservative" societies, including many Muslims, have a tradition of being extremely apprehensive and uncooperative when it comes to sex education. Yet, children are exposed to the workings of the body in the Biology classes - and no parent objects !

It is therefore extremely encouraging to witness the attempts of Muslims to enlighten people regarding sexual matters in Islam. This attempt, based on Qur'an, the Sunnah and words of our pious predecessors, serve a dual purpose:
1. It empowers Muslims with the correct ubderstanding of matters re;ated to sex, thereby enabling then to enrich their lives practically.
2. It dispels the misinformation, distorted orientations, false perceptions and vulgar enticements propogated by the West and secular writers.

This work - aptly named "Towards Understanding Sexual Courtesy in Islam" - makes full use of the many shades of meaning attached to Arabic words, as found in Qur'an and Hadith. It attempts to dispel the "old wives' tales" and the "birds and bees" approach, so common amongst people till this very day. In other words, the book attempts to be truthful.

The book attempts likewise to encapsulate the concepts of love, sexual intercourse and the enhancement of married life. These are all discussed intelligently. Some of us might find very vivid descriptions of our sexual organs offensive. This is certainly not so! Being fully acquainted with our bodies encourage us not to abuse them - inside and outside marriage. There is certainly nothing lewd in this book.

This exhilarating quest will encourage many to further delve into the Qur'an , the Sunnah of our beloved Prophet (SAW), as well as the works of jurists to acquaint themselves more with the Islamic perspective on sex and sexual courtesy. Such seekers of Divine Guidance with the help of this book, will deepen their appreciation for the glorious heritage of Islam. It will enrich their lives as well as the lives of those with whom they share their research experience.

It is therefore an honour and privilege for me to write this foreword. This humble attempt by Mogamat Faadiel Arnold and Omar Faried Pandie vis-a-vis sexual courtesy in Islam is extremely encouraging. Perhaps it will inspire others to subsequently publish more on this very important aspect in Islamic Guidance.

I wish the compilers success in their fture endeavours - IN SHAA ALLAH

Yours in Islam
Sheikh Muhammad Faadil (Addul) Latief.

2nd Foreword

I have no doubt in my mind that this book will most certainly achieve the purpose for which it has been written. These being, firstly, to enrich our lives with the correct understanding of matters related to sex, and secondly, to remove misconceptions about sex existing among Muslims. In this way, the purity, virtue and excellence of sexual life becomes clear, and its essential and guiding aspect in Muslim life is established.

This book comes at a time when a new century dawns and when the respect for the privilege of having sex within limits prescribed by Islam have reached their lowest levels, largely due to ignorance. The guidelines set by Qur'an and Sunnah for Muslims to follow have been brilliantly elucidated and commented upon by the writers of "Towards Understanding Sexual Courtesy in Islam". This book enlightens us suitably on a subject about which we need to learn much in order to lead a peaceful and happy life. We hear and read very little on the subject of sexual courtesy in Islam and have gone wrong in society as a result.

There are chapters in this book which should be read by even the learned people for it opens up aspects of sexual courtesy, particularly medical factors, which are highly illuminating and extremely interesting. The compilers of this book have kept to Islamic explanations throughout and made no apologies for doing so. The basis of married life os for the spouses to understand their respective roles, so that their marriage should become extremely enjoyable, pleasant and fulfilling one. When there is, within marriage, the dynamics of living and worshiping together, and raising a family, then the dominant theme is serving Allah Ta'ala with peace and contentment. Such peace and contentment is obtained by observing the rules of marriage and adhering strictly to the Sunnah of Rasullallah (SAW).

As Muslims our focus should be the Day of Judgement. This should not only be achieved through acts of obligatory worship (Kalima, Salaah, Zakaat, Saum and Hajj), but through all forms of non-obligatory worship (Social, Moral, Political and Economic life) as well. Our lives will then be governed by the precepts of Islam. When every facet of our married lives are in accordance with Islam, starting with a desirable relationship between spouses, then there is Mercy, Help, Guidance and Protection from Allah Ta'ala. This makes for a happy and united family. Argument, envy, jealousy, hatred and separation, through conspiracy of the forces of evil, are removed by the Mercy if Allah, Ta'ala. In this way, there will be peace, harmony and happiness in the family.

This book provides the material for a successful life with sexual courtesy as a starting point. I highly recommend this book.

Moulana Ebrahim Adam

4. About the AuthorsOmar Faried Pandie is an Obstetrician & Gyneacologist in Private Practice and a lecture at UCT Medical School. He has always been actively involved in community upliftment with a special interest in improvement of the quality life in families.

Magamat Faadiel Arnold is a teacher. At UWC, he majored in Arabic and Economics. He has always been involved in trying to reduce family dysfunctions and abuse.

5. Preface

We thank Thr Almighty Allah for Granting us the ability to love (1) All Praise is only due to Him for endowing His Messenfer, Muhammad (Pbuh) with the perfect exemplary conduct (2) in all matters. The Courtesy/ Refinement (A-DAAB) of Prophet Muhammed (Pbuh) in personal, devotion, familial and social matters is the hallmark of humanity for all times - May the Peace and Blessings of The Almighty Allah be upon him, his family and friends - Inshaa Allah Aameen.

The inherent holism in Qur'anic and Ghadeeth Arabic has been explored to help us in understanding the subtleties of sexual courtesy in Islam. We hope and pray that The Almighty Allah will forgive us for our errors in our attempt to understand such a sensitive aspect of life.

The increasing divorce rate in modern societies is indicative of the lack in understanding the self and marriage. This book appeals to the inherent mercy and truth in human beings. Via sincerity, couples enjoy happiness and discover the Love and Mercy The Almighty Allah has placed between them 1)

All human beings want to be loved. Some attempt self-destructive ways to gain "love" while others use positive means. All people are in search of true love. The history of Prophet Mughammad's (Pbuh) marriages expresses deep beauty and happiness. This evidence shows that marital happiness was linked to his selfless service to his wives, based on his devotedness to The Almighty Allah. His devotedness earned him Divine Grants of wisdom, blessings and inner peace. It is this human example that we wish to reference in the search for knowledge with respect to "love".

It is hoped, by the Grace of The Almighty Allah, that the text will help potential and existing spouses in achieving happiness in marriage - a happiness which is an experience of Mercy from The Almighty Allah. Marital happiness is the basis for a thriving society - perhaps in this lies the wisdom of marriage being half of faith 3) and trust in The Almighty Allah (EE-MAAN).

With reference to Prophet Mughammad (Pbuh), as a Mercy to the Universe 4) and the Qur'an as the unchanging Guide for Mankind 5), Islamic Laws/Guidlines (SHA-REE-'AH) are the fountainheads of happiness in life. It is thus necessary for us to research the Guidelines/SHA-REE-'AH) for a happy marraige.

Sexual Dysfunction is at most the major cause of divorce 6) It is this phenomenon which makes this book necessary. Sexual intercourse is the ultimate physical, mental, emotional and spiritual expression of love. It is a Gift from the Almighty Allah for mankind. Thus only He can advise how to experience comprehensive tranquillity, happiness and contentment in sexual union. In this book, Towards understanding Sexual Courtesy in Islam, we can only attempt to understand The Almighty Allah's Guidelines to successful marital sexual relations.

We are all witnesses that sex outside the advice of the SHA-REE-'AH results in endless maladies and problems. The current Aids epidemic is a direct result of immoral sex. The present day western preventative advice is sorely lacking. The "Safe Sex" campaigns are not only unsafe, but promote promiscuity with the condom. It is surely a business boost for condom manufacturers, but an insult to the dignity and intellect of humans. Societies have their own reaction to epidemics - more early/young marriages are making their appearnaces in Muslim societies. Even non-Muslims women are insisting on marriage. It may reduce the incidemce of Aids, but not the increasing rate of divorce. Sexual dysfunction is the the biggest threat to happy, prosperous marriages.

The book attempts to identify the mercy inherent in marital sexual relationship. The realisation and experience of mercy in marital sex encourages gratefulness to The Almighty Allah and the spouse. Nearness to The Almighty Allah lies in the increasing expression of gratefulness to Him for the Mercies He Bestowed upon us - of which marriage ranks high.

In modern societies, marital sexual intercourse has been devalued by the influences of the Christian doctrine of Original Sin, sex jokes and pornography. This book attempts to recapture the dignity of marotal sex as a form of service (I-BAA-DAH). The ibaadah status of marital sex finds its base in Shari'ah, where sex with one's spouse earns reward from The Almighty Allah 7), while sex outside marriage earns His Wrath. We are also advised by prophetic advice, that ejaculation should be accompanied by a dua seeking Allah's (SWT) Protection for the potential newborn, from the influence of satan 8).

This book fills the void in guidelines to moral behaviour in marital sex. The ignorance about moral sexual behaviour in marriage is astounding. Available sex advice manuals and articles lack ethical content, because many western researchers and professionals find co-habiting without marriage , "perfectly mormal and needed". Their "guidelines" tend to create more problems than offer solutions, because man's evil tendencies at times seek "a basis". The wrong advice by "professionals" may just be that "base" which the evil tendency was looking for.

From the above it becomes clear that the Islamic Guidelines to sexual courtesy is necessary for all, because it is the balanced view towards sexual relations.

The integrative code of Islamic conduct is necessary in guiding marital sexual interaction. To get an idea of how an integrative religious conduct towards marital sexual behaviour can bring about peace in a society, one needs to compare the lifestyle of indigenous people with industrialised nations. The indigenous promote, sanction and assist young marriages in their religious code. The young married couples immediately becomes part of the total social structure. In the integration with the elder, more experienced, they have successfully maintained and developed their cultures into ones of tranquility, without the stresses of industrialised societies - who incidentally, have lost their powers of self-subsistence. Some of the most remarkable historic artifacts and sophisticated came from such indigenous societies -The key to its success was disciplined, religiously motivated young marriages with the full support of the elders, family and society. The comparison does not mean that Islamic guidelines are against modernisation, it (only) stresses the importance of teenage marriage encouragement, wrapped in deep religious commitment, for the benefit of the couple and of society.

Western societies discourage young marriages and polygamy. The major reason is to control population growth in a capitalistic economic infrastructure. Capitalism encourages employment of machines for mass production and high profits. Fewer people are thus needed to operate the machines. A large population is thus a drag on the high profit motive of capitalists. By suppressing young marriages, the society is placed under tremendous sexual stresses. This creates the platform for many problems - " umwanted pregnancies, illegitamacies, rape, prostotution, drug addiction, child abuse, slavery, (pornography),homosexuality, aids, increasing divorce rate , and many more.

The Islamic Guidelines of teenage marriages, polygamy and encouragement of fasting when marriage is not affordable 9), lay a good foundation for social development.

The introduction of schools and university degrees, to "occupy" the young masses and encourage competition among them for limited jobs -"carears before marriages" impact on fertility (endometriosis; see page 21).

If serious thought and action are the results from reading this book, then its suggestions will save counties millions in currency - millions spent on diseases and crimes related to suppressed sexual relations (through marriage). These saved millions can then be used to invest in the development of nations. Perhaps, one day, future generations will look back and marvel at the progress we have made and the legacies we have left behind - presently we only leave miseries, hardships and criminal records behind.

The effort to reduce the divorce rate and re-kindle the love between spouses will save many children from the miseries they are facing today. May The Almighty Allah Help us in our endeavors - AA-MEEN.

This book brings into focus the all embracing Islamic character as a solution to all ills - with special emphasis on sexual behaviour between married couples and marital disharmonies. Here Islam prevails as the balanced and healthy view towards qualitative improvements in husband-wife relationship, an absolute necessity in the process of social reconstruction.

Love is defined. The Qur'an and Ahadeeth (Prophetic sayings) word-usage pertaining to sexual intimacies are characterised by pleasant subtlety that lends dignity to an activity which is forbidden except within the sphere of matrimony.

Factors promoting and those inhibiting love are discussed in detail. Furthermore a differenciation between courtship and marriage itself is reviewed.

The benefits of the marriage institution and its goals are discussed. Tranquillity, generation of love, comfort, peace and progeny becomes meaningful in this book.

Contemporary cultural lifestyles, which is characterised by adultery, prostitution, fornication and divorce, is unfortunately, fast influencing, affecting and disintegrating Muslim and other societies; these indicators of social degeneration call for a remedy. It is thus an aim of this book to forward a few ideas to remedy the current social disintegration.

Sexuality and sexual courtesy in Islam cannot be discussed without a basic knowledge of the human anatomy of the sexual organs and general physiology and psychology of the human nature. A sincere is made to present this as simple as possible and futhermore to highlight the concept of brain-womb relationship.

Causes of sexual dysfunctions are highlighted and carefully analysed. A concerted attempt is made to provide easy solutions to a complex problem in an itemised manner. The solutions provided in this book is a sincere effort to help correct the imbalances perceived in our society - but it also entirely depends on the goodwill, faith and ernest desire of the spouses to live a life of devotion to the Almighty Allah. Anything short of this brings about its own natural destructive consequences. Human efforts to fight attitudes of disharmony via the Guidelines of The Almight Allah, is rewarded with peace of mind, happiness and progress.

Why was this book written?Books on marriage, by Muslims writers, in the English reading market seldom, if ever, deal with specific guidelines on marital sexual relations. If it does, it presents it from a duty/ obligation-cum-rights perspective. In some of the books on marriage, elements of prejudice against women and male chauvinism readily make its appearance. Often statements are made and claimed to be "Islamic", while they actually stem from tribal traditions or conjectures. The most disturbing element of misinformation that surfaces in some books are superstitions relating to sexual encounters between husband and wife.

The Christian concept of "Original Sin" occasionally appears in books written by Muslims - not in actual words - but in distorted advice that are given: example "Keep sex at a minimum" and other statements that inhibit permissible sexual encounters between the married couple. We are aware of the evils in society, but we need not resort to scare tactics to get the desired results.

We need a book that is truthful and one which has authentic references. A book that addresses the beauties of marital sex, as a Gift and Mercy for mankind. We need a book that is honest and balanced and one which can serve as a reference for couples. Most books on the subject of sex, portray it as something non-spiritual, lustful and physiological.

Many couples in the contemporary, industrialised, Eurocentric and Victorian influenced lifestyles, have forgotten the true art of love-making. In the West, the amount of guidelines available on sex is indicative of the grave problem of unsuccessful sexual encounters between husbands and wives. Very few books on sex attempt to explain what "love" really is. The failure, in modern times, to meaningfully define love is based in western psychological scholarship' belief that there are no absolute truths - that definition is subjective and hence subject to change. Part of the problem can be found in modern research techniques based on human endeavours and the west's rejection / skepticism against revelation/religion. It is interesting that recent scientific findings are validating long-standing Islamic revelatory truths. Western researchers overlook the facts that humans have natural tendencies to recognise truths. Many people from various cultures, who research truths, tend to be exposed to the same facts without being in contact with each other - confirming Qur'anic Revelation that The Almighty Allah is The Teacher of all 10) But skeptics of revelation have an answer for the aforementioned - they call it "coincidence" - even though they can feel, see and have discovered the truth of Revelations.

What is Love?Love is an AA-YAH(sign/marvel/miracle/ masterpiece/token/symbol/ exemplar/wonder). This marvelous miracle is an exemplar of an Attribute of The Creator, The Exalted Allah (AL-WU-DUUD - The Possessor of Love). Love is pure in essence, a miracle and wonder in its existence, a masterpiece in its expression and a gift from The Exalted Allah, The Compassionate, The Merciful 11). It is The Creator, Allah (SWT), Who Places Love between a man and woman11). The purpose of Love is for tranquility, peace, calmness and rest of the human being (LI-TAS-KU-NUU). Real love is linked to mercy (RAGH-MAH) 12). Love =Mercy and the two are inseparable - the one cannot exist without the other. If the human is the deputy of The Creator, Allah 13), The Exalted, then he/she can deduce true behaviour from The Way Allah (SWT) relates to man in His Revelation and man's everyday existence. Allah (SWT) still Grants the needs of the hypocrites, disbeliever, blasphemer and ungrateful. His Forgiveness is still available to them should they repent. In the Qur'an their deliberate evils and heedlessness are still addressed via merciful questions and reflective arguments 14). The questions remind them constantly of the favours they enjoy and the punishment they will draw upon themselves if they persist in their evil. From the Way (SUN-NAH) of Allah (SWT) we can thus conclude that pure love may be described as unselfish, patient, encouraging, protective, merciful, compassionate, strengthening and positive. The love for someone, stemming from the Love for Allah (SWT) 15) is thus of the aforementioned nature. Such love is thus rational, sincere and realistic. This kind of godly human love for a fellow human is by its nature a form of worship to The Almighty Allah.

That which extorts, oppresses, beguiles and exploits, cannot be regarded as love. An act which does not result in peace, tranquility and mercy is not love. Abhorrent sexual behaviour (e.g. homosexuality, incest, prostitution, pornography, rape etc. ) leaves the participants in various degrees of imbalance, within the self and within the community. These actions can thus only stem from lust and be described as beastly/ animal behaviour - no - worse!

Love is the marvel which makes us human. To be human (IN-SAAN), means to be close, intimate, sociable, friendly, kind, affable, civil, polite and courteous. The existence of humanism is one person makes another feel at ease (AN-NI-SA). This helps us in briefly defining the concept "human love" - LOVE IS DOING EVERYTHING HUMANLY POSSIBL, WITHIN THE PARAMETERS OF ISLAMIC GUIDELINES (SHARIAH), TO MAKE THE PERSON YOU LOVE HAPPY AND TRANQUIL.

To love thus means to help, and by extention, to give but not to take. The interrelation between love, mercy and tranquility, as expressed in the Qur'an, makes pure love an act of worship ('I-BAA-DAH). Adoration (I-BAA-DAH), intensified love , finds its origin in adoration/love for and appreciation to Allah (SWT). This kind of love is only possible if the individual has developed an appreciation which for the Gift of Love, which Allah (SWT) has Granted people. Such a loving spouse is a true MU'-MIN (one who is trustworthy, reliable and faithful). His/Her partner thus can feel safe from the tongue and hand of the spouse16).

The MU-MIN husband can rightfully be addressed as one of the QOW-WAA-MUUN - those men who are sincere and righteous carers for women 17). These men will also rise up against injustices against their wives, mothers, sisters and women in general. These men exhaust (NA-FI-QA) themselves in their efforts to provide for their wives and children. These men are truly of the MUT-TA-QEEN (those who are conscious of the All Embracing Presence of Allah (SWT) and they always act with fairness, because the fear losing The Mercy and Love from Allah SWT. This consciousness makes them selfless. They then spend for their family and others out of love for The Provider, Allah (SWT). These men are the Best of Men 18).

The Best men truly represent IS-LAAM (submission to The Will of The Almighty Allah ) in their selfless service towards their wives and children. They practice SA-LI-MA (preservation of good and the protection of others against harm, for the establishment of peace and tranquility). Such men show their appreciation to Allah SWT via their sincere actions. Women with such considerate husbands can be assured of tranquility during their pregnancy - a need for balanced, healthy chidren. Exemplary family interaction ensures general social improvements. This family and social peace in action is the most VIVID DISPLAY OF ISLAM in practice and a powerful invitation to IS-LAAM.

Which Characteristics Enhance Love?The following attributes have been cited as reasons for loving a person: beauty, compassion, mercy, tranquility, security, safety, strength, talent, forgiveness, organisational ability, generosity, intellect, appreciation, gratefulness, fairness, justice, sensitivity, to the needs of others, voluntary respect from others for the person, respect towards others, affection, truthfulness, responsibility, piety, forbearance, tolerance, patience. In reference to the 99 Attributes of The Almighty Allah (SWT), we find that the above attributes are seated in 85 of the 99 Names/Attributes of The Almighty Allah.

The Breath of The Almighty Allah Gave Life to Prophet Adam (AS), whom He Created out of clay 19).We are also aware from Al-Qur'an, that a human being has the best (Divine Spirit ) and a worst (clay self) potential characteristics in him/herself 20). From the Qur'an we read that man is the Deputy of Allah SWT. From the above it is evident that we possess reflections/potentials of His Beautiful Attributes.

It becomes clear that if we want love and happiness we must follow Allah's(SWT) Guidance, to activate our Divine Spirit within. Of the above characteristics, the most repeated ones in The Qur'an are, Compassion, Mercy and Forgiveness - those inner qualities that abusers forget they possess. If The Almighty Allah can be Oft Forgiving, Most Merciful, then who are we to be so resentful towards our spouses.

The love of a MUS-LIM (one who promotes peace due to his/her belief and submission to Allah (SWT), is that love which offers safety/ security to the loved one. In this way the one spouse is a garment/cover (LI-BAAS) for the other spouse and visa versa. 21). One is again reminded of being safe from one another's hand and tongue 22). The major drawback in marital relations is the lack of knowledge of the character/personality of The Prophet Mughammad (Pbuh). He has personified the Character of The Qur'an in his lifestyle - thus showing man the human possibility of man's divine nature. In his supplications (AD-'EE-YAH) he clearly expresses his humility before The Lord of all creations - Allah (SWT). The greater the practice of subservience to The Will of Allah SWT, the longer the marriage lasts. It is the couples' sincere devotion, in word and action, to The Almighty Allah which earns them divinely inspired intellect. This affords them the realisation of beauties in each other. The experience of mutual attraction for each other is in itself a Mercy from The Almighty Allah. The gratefulness for this is boundless. The starting point for improved marital love is to speak to each other with tenderness and care 23). Satan primarily encourages indecent speech to sow discontent between couples 24). He (satan) is our open enemy 25), not our spouse. Love can be enhanced by spending on our family out of love for Allah (SWT). This attitude of selfless service ('I-BAA-DAH) was the practice of the Prophet Mughammad (Pbuh). This selfless loving service to family, neighbours and friends creates a tranquil environment for perpetual love between married couples.

What is Sexual Intercourse?In considering the words used in The Holy Qur'an to express communion/ sexual union between husband and wife, one enters a realm so wide in connotations and meaning, that the sincere person raises sexual union in marriage to a level of necessity for the development of true humaness. It is this humaness which is befitting the title of Deputy of Allah (SWT) 26). The Qur'an addresses the wife as the husband's GHARTH (culture, tilth, plantation)27). Thus the wife affords the husband the opportunity for the cultivation of his humaness and of human (offspring).

It is through women, in whom Allah(SWT) has placed much good 28), that men experience fatherhood, gentleness, sweetness, consideration, love, submission, sacrifice, endurance, appreciation for beauty, patience and perserverence. It is in them that men find peace, tranquility, and freedom to enpress total joy. By The Grace of The Almighty Allah, wives feed husbands with the needs to survive emotionally, spritually and physically. If the husbands approach their wives with the needed care, gentleness, compassion and consideration, then wives l will surely free their husbands from the oppression of male evil tendencies. Such mutual love, based in piety and conciousness of The Ever-Presence of The Almighty Allah, liberates both parties to serve Allah (SWT) in the best way, because tranquility leads to spiritual and material success. Like the farmer who exerts himself in caring for his land, remembering it as a trust from Allah SWT (like his wife is a trust from Allak(SWT), will find that his land frees/ liberates him from the oppression of hunger, similarly, a wife, whose husband treats her with dignity, care and unselfish love, will provide him with spiritual, emotional and physical union he needs to flourish in all aspects of manliness. His service to her is to protect her human rights so that she can develop to her full potehtial in all spheres of life.

A husband who understands his function towards his wife and her real honoured status 29) may proceed sincerely to make love to her -FA'-TUU (gently proceed, favourably, with ease) 27). This subtle Qur'anic Arabic word for sexual intercourse with the wife, explains simultaneously, its mind-soul-body nature. Spousal intercourse, whic is free from oppression, is an opportunity for them to slip away (FA-TA) from the stresses of family care, a chance to escape from the desires for illicit behaviour and escape into the world of complete ecstacy. Marriage creates calmness.

The benefits of truthful intercourse can only be achieved if the wife feels safe, happy and dignified, while she interacts with her husband. Abusive husbands do not experience the beauties inherent in marital sexual intimacies.

Marital sex makes the couple feel one with each other - reflecting that mankind was create from a single soul 30). Considering the needs of each other, the husband and wife will find wholesomeness, humanness, balance and tranquility in sincere sexual interaction. The good husband realises his need for his wife and thus always treat her with reverence - a reverence linked to The Reverence towards Allah (SWT) 29). Such reverence from him for her will be returned by her for him by The Grace of The Almighty Allah. She will in turn truly care for her husband.

Marital sexual intimacies, in view of the above, is an I-BAA-DAH (Devotional act) which make couples appreciative of The Gifts from Allah (SWT). It is Allah (SWT) Who Places Love and Mercy between spouses - what n excellent pathway for the new offspring !

What Type of Sexual Intercourse is Good?A generous gift to the wife before sexual intercourse with her is primary to achieve full sexual pleasure 27). A gift before sexual union is the bear minimum. The caring nature has, in addition, loving words, sensitive, considerate touches and well chosen stimulatory measures. He realises that the psyche, soul and body of his wife is unitary, priceless and valuable, and that she needs to be reassured of her worth in order for her to respond positively to him.

A Muslim man should not just release himself into his wife. He must not use her like an object. He should interact with her in all marital pleasures. he is one who trains his mind and body to control emissions, because he aims to satisfy her first or aid her climax to co-inside with his.

QOD-DA-MUU (send ahead, in advance, let precede) LI-AN-FU-SI-KUM (for yourselves) 27), a statement with no specific object - but what follows indicate the reason for "send ahead" - WAT-TA-QUL-LAAH (and have consciousnes of Allah SWT,\. The call is upon the husbands, is to be sincere when they appraoch their wives. Apart from gifts/sweetness to his wife, he also sends a SO-DA-QAH (charity) to the needy. What is clear from this understanding is that good sexual interaction is presupposed by general concern for the beautification of the souls of both husband and wife through the good intentions of the husband towards his wife and humanity at large through his fear/consciousness of Allah SWT. This can only occur if their lives are lived to total service (I-BAA-DAH) to our Maker, Allah (SWT).

From the above it becomes clear that sexual intercourse without dignity of faith in Allah SWT -EE-MAAN = belief, trust, safety, peace, security, reliability), is Divinely, unacceptable.Types of sex, which is devoid of dignity is harmful to the body and soul. These harmful sexual interaction include; sex during a woman's menstral cycle, during post childbirth bleeding, anal sex, homosexuality, rape, extra-marital and unnatural sex (wife animals). The detrimental effects of such sexual relations to the body, mind, psyche, soul and society is presently evident.

Reflecting upon the structure and condition of the penis and vagina during sexual intercourse and the male and female attraction for each other, it is evident that she needs gentle, warm loving, yet strong sexual communication from him and he is in need of her tender,soft, embracing and welcoming nature. This kind of sexual communication between husband and wife will encourage wives to allow their husbands sexual entry into her vagina from whatever side/position they please (AN-NA SHI-TUM 28a: MIN GHAY-THU A-MA-RA-KU-MUL-LAAH - what Allah SWT has ordained for you 28b - not overstepping the boundaries).

Sexual intercourse preceded by gifts, charity and devotion, is good, pure and rewarding for the husband and wife's body, mind, psyche and soul. It will then truly serve as a bond between each other and the society at large in this world and the hereafter - INSHAA ALLAH AA-MEEN.

Sexual DangersSome husbands and wives, ill-informed of the anatomy and condition of their private parts, have sex during menstruation and during post-childbirth bleeding (PUERPERAL). Islam prohibits sexual intercourse during uterine bleeding. Most women naturally feel the need to refuse sex during these these times, but inconsiderate husbands, have the tendency to force their wives into sexual intercourse during these bleeding periods. In practically all such cases, this act infects the himself and her. Wives are at most, worst off in these instances. She can suffer one or a combination of the following illnesses, due to sexual intercourse during uterine bleeding period:

Dangers of Sexual Intercourse during Menstrual Cycles:
1. A longer than normal uterine blood flow
2. Pooling / congestion of blood in the uterus, which causes Pelvic Inflammatory Disease (PID). If she contracts PID more than twice in a year, it will reduce her child-bearing chances to 25%. If she contracts PID and has to be treated medically, then her fallopian tubes and surrounding structures will be permanently scarred. This will cause chronic pain during menstruation, becoming worse wit each subsequent menstrual cycle.
3. Severe pain during sexual intercourse (DYSPAREUNIA) - this results in a loss of sexual desire (loss of libido)
4. Recurring infection in the ovaries. This will result in early infertility and an early "change of life" (30-35 years old)
5. Spill-over of blood through the top of the fallopian tubes into the abdomen, outside the womb (ENDOMETRIOSIS). These living endometrial cells, which spilled over into the abdomen cavity, then builds up and breaks down and menstrual bleeding then occurs outside the uterus, causing swelling and scarring the outside walls of the uterus, fallopian tubes and bowel. This then causes severe pain during menstruation and sexual intercourse:

Dangers of Sexual Intercourse during Post-childbirth Bleeding (PEURPERIUM/ NIFAAS):
1. Severe pain during intercourse due to the bruised, swollen, femal gental organs following childbirth.
2. Rapid-spread of life-threatening infections resulting in kidney, lung and cerebral (brain) failure.

The husband who insist on having sexual intercourse during uterine bleeding also runs the risk of contracting a severe infection in his testes and tubes, which will make him completely sterile. Husbands who insist on anal intercourse, against the Advice of The Holy Qur'an, 28) exposes himself and his wife to Veneral Disease (VD), Bacterial Proctitis (severe anal infection) and Aids.

A husband husband who insists on sexual intercourse during periods of uterine bleeding is a wife abuser. He is endangering her and his life. The Islamic Law/ Guidelines (Shariah) , which prohibits sex during uterine bleeding 28), thus protects the husband and wife from severe discomfort and death. The Shariah is mankind's Safety Net.

Dangerous "Advice"Some sex journals and articles wrongly and dangerously advise that sexual intercourse during menstruation is good, because it 'releases the menstrual blood congestion in the womb'. There is also the wrong perception that sexual intercourse is more satisfying during menstruation. The condom is advertised as the "safe" way. The results of "experimenting" using the condom have proven the opposite. Infections still occurred becuase of incorrect use or breakage of the condom. The female condom is cumbersome and time consuming. Trials with it have also shown its ineffectiveness in preventing infection and disease when used during uterine bleeding. We need to emphasise that the use of condoms for sexual intercourse during uterine bleeding is also prohibited in Islam.

It is known that when the unfertilised egg in the womb dies and the lining tissue of the womb (ENDOMETRIUM) breaks down (sheds), the mentrual bleeding starts. This blood, which flows out, is not clean. It contains broken bloodvessels, tissue fragments, bacteria and poisons (MENOTOXINS). To make contact with this blood in or outside the womb is a health risk for the husband. Intercourse during these times increases the risk of infection to the wife tenfold. This is because , during menstruation, the natural protective barriers in the vagina are diminished. Pelvic Inflammatory Disease (PID) occurs then readily. Repeated episodes pf PID can lead to a hystorectomy (womb removal). During sexual intercourse the whole womb contracts during orgasm, which then pushes the infected blood and broken tissue upwards through the fallopian tubes and into the abdominal cavity. Her ovaries, ligaments that keep the uterus in place and her fallopian tubes will be scarred, deformed and blocked. This causes severe menstrual pain, excessive menstrual bleeding and severe pain during subsequent normal sexual intercourse.

Inconsiderate, impatient husbands, who force sex with their wives during NIFAAS (post-childbirth bleeding), goes against the Qur'anic Injunction 29). Intercourse will prevent the proper shedding of debris/ fragments of the old lining of the womb. This prevents the uterus from contracting to its normal size (INVOLUTION). In addition it will prevent bloodvessels in the uterus from naturally clotting. She will as a result bleed longer than normal, contracting severe life-threatening infections (SEPTACAEMIA).

From the above it is evident that the Qur'an and Sunnah (Prophetic Advice) are Merciful Guidelines against the dangers of sexual intercourse during periods of vaginal bleeding.

Is Marital Sex Also for Pleasure?
Yes. The husband is advised to play with his wife (TA-LAA-I-BU-HAA) and vice-visa (TA-LAA-I-BU-KA) [1]. This allows each the opportunity to be active and passive during sexual interaction and to enjoy it. Both parties are allowed the full view of each other’s bodies and to have sexual intercourse in any position they wish, but only into the vagina[2]. Questions regarding oral sex surface frequently. There is no direct prohibition for it. The answers given at times have been varied. What is clear is that acts which endanger the body has been prohibited in Islamic etiquette. The sperm is a protein and is thus digestible. Frequent ejaculation and injection of sperm can cause infection in the wife’s digestive tract. The saliva of the wife (an alkali and germ carrier) may cause infection in the husband’s urethra (tube for passing urine). During erection the urethra may still harbor urine which is a poisonous waste matter. This, however minute, may infect the wife. When the husband licks the vagina, both husband and wife are at risk of infection, because the vaginal opening and the saliva have many germs. What is interesting is that the rim if the penis head, sensitive for firm erection and ejaculation, is +/- 1.5cm away from the urethra opening. The clitoris, the most sexually stimulating part when touched, is also +/- 1.5cm away from the urethra opening. Considering this and the legitamcy of full use of each other’s body[3], it may thus allow mutual oral stimulation on these erogenous (sexually stimulating) zones, away from the openings. Oral contact with the genital openings poses risks, not around it.
If all types of oral stimulation were clearly made permissible, then those men and woman, who detest it, would then be abused. A practice which would then endanger the marriage. If a clear-cut prohibition existed, then those men and woman who find oral stimulation sexually enhancing, would suffer loss of sexual drive (LIBIDO). The marriage can the again be in jeopardy. We must then use our interlect to strike a balance with regard to oral stimulation. What must then also be considered is that oral stimulation is not oral sex. The latter applies, direct contact with the opening of the private parts (posing of risk i.e. not advised in the Islamic etiquette) while the former (contacting the erogenous zones, 1.5cm away from the openings) may enhance marital sexual responses. The Islamic advice for foreplay between spouses[4] is clear. Viewing for pleasure, touching and separating the vulva lips (the large and small lips of the vagina) (LI-FU-RUU-JI-HIM GHAA-FI-THUUN) of the wife is permissible, but husbands are prohibited from it with regard to strange woman[5] and when their wives menstruate (here husbands are allowed to fondle his wife above her navel while she is covered with a sheet/cloth from the waist down[6].


Cleanliness requirements for a Muslim’s life-style, male circumcision, shaving/cutting the pubic hairs[7], shaving under  under-arm and facial hairs, cutting nails, keeping hair clean and combed and using scents[8]- these all enhances sexual communication.
Muslim couples should make themselves sexually attractive to each other. The saving of the private parts makes intimate contact between spouses much more arousing. Shaving creates constant youthful looks of the private areas and increases the tactile sensitivity, thus enhancing desire for each other. This practice will allow desire to continue till death separates the couple.
Taking the advice of Prophet Mohammed (Pbuh) to swim, mountain walk, horse ride, practice archery, eat moderately and not to deprive one another from sexual satisfaction[9] will allow the bodies to grow old gracefully. This is because the body is fit, trim, attractive and clean.
The above personal hygiene, exercise and healthy sexual attitude create tranquil minds which are ready to serve each other and society unselfishly. People who satisfy their sexual desires and fantasies in accordance with the Islamic moral standards are productive people. They are ready to sacrifice their strengths for the benefit of others. Selfish, exploitive individuals are generally unloved. They are those who often feel insecure. This insecurity then leads to destructive behavior. Often they do not give themselves a chance to serve others unselfishly. They often tend towards actions of self-aggrandizement. Invariably such people are lonely and psychologically weak. 
Free, moral, mutual sexual indulgence between spouses allows each other the confidence for life’s challenges – when one is loved it gives balance to one’s existence. Many couples wait for the other to make a concerted sexual move. To wait is to deprive one of developing loving skills. This waiting ‘game’ often creates tension in both spouses.
Feeling sexually free with each other requires the creation of tranquil environs for each other in the home. Excessive shyness or any kinds of force inhibits love. The spread of the five daily prayers and the devotional requirement to bath fully after sexual intercourse, keeps the individual from over indulgence. Islam thus creates the arena for a complete balanced life.
Marital sex must be enjoyed and fulfilled as often as possible. Children must not hamper/reduce the sexual communication of the couple. Children are advised to respect the privacy at certain times of the day and night[10]. Yes the cleanliness requires for a Muslim’s life-style; male circumcision, shaving/cutting pubic-under arm- and facial hairs, cutting the nails, keeping hair cleaned and combed, using scents, all enhance sexual communication. Sexual intercourse will only become enjoyable if we rid ourselves from the ‘chains’ of Victorian ‘evil beliefs’ surrounding marital sex. What must be accepted is that married couples have the religious right to explore one another’s bodies sexually – with one major restriction – never to have anal sex.
The best way to start spousal sexual enjoyment is to view each other’s clean, naked bodies with the aim of making the other feel tranquility and safety of one’s considerate touches, caresses and admiration. Viewing each other’s bodies intensely, is in itself showing ones appreciation for each other. Keeping in mind the Guidelines of the Shari’ah makes each other feel safe, secure and truly needed, not exploited.


A reported statement of the Prophet Mohammad (Pbuh) that those young people, who can fulfill the needs of marriage and the sexual satisfaction in marriage, should marry[11]. It will control their sexual urges and serve as a protection for their private parts. Marriage is thus the wholesome institution which sanctifies sexual interaction between unrelated males and females. The sordid pre-marital sexual behavior amongst disbelievers has give sex a ‘bad name’. sex, in terms of sexual intimate interaction between male and female is only permissible in Islam through marriage. Viewed in this sense, sex is then the main reason for marriage. If people cannot afford marriage, then they are advised to fast to subdue the natural sexual desire.
Marital sex is the vehicle for for the experience of true tranquility. This holistic human satisfaction balances interaction between husband and wife. Marital sex develops a positive self-esteem, psychological security and inner gratefulness. Pre-marital sex leaves both parties imbalanced. Insecurities, especially amongst women, often occur after pre-marital sex. Men at most. Often seeks other ‘prey’ after their ‘sexual conquest’. Pre-marital sex has no marital obligations and hence allows an open road for exploitation of the single woman/man.
Marriage brings out a health sexual culture. It is linked to procreation and natural calls into action many considerations: such as caring, safety, security and compassion. The rejection of marriage before sex disturbs the tranquility of society. Illicit sex negatively impacts on participating individuals. Feeling of remorse, guilt, etc., are common in sex-free societies.
In western influenced societies, marriage often fails because of the lack of knowledge of reciprocal marital, sexual courtesies. Marital sexual interaction is the wife’s search for security, protection and care. The husband, in marriage, desired comfort and the feeling of being wanted and needed. A husband, whose wife does not sincerely make him feel wanted and needed (sexually) suffers diverse feeling of incompetence, insecurity and hence has a low self-esteem. A wife, whose husband fails in making him feel secure, protected, loved and cared for, will feel insecure, abused and unappreciated. Feelings of insecurity and not being wanted/desired have detrimental effects on sexual performance. The wife may suffer lowered/temporary loss of orgasmic experiences because of her uneasiness. Although a husband may ejaculate, his deep orgasmic satisfaction may be impaired, if he feels his presence is perhaps unwanted. The efforts towards healthy, marital sexual relations are of paramount importance to the development of tranquil marriages and a tranquil society.


Husbands/wives who exploit their spouses physically and emotionally will eventually cause their personal downfall. We learn from the Qur’an that suffering is self-inflicted[12] yet a mercy for improving piety; that the evil of others cannot harm those who are guided by Allah (SWT)[13] and that evil action bring detriment to the evil-doer[14]. To care for one’s spouse is to safeguard oneself.
Parents who truly love each other offer their children the peaceful atmosphere for the positive development of their children. Parents, who perpetuate sexual disharmonies amongst themselves, often unburden themselves on their children. Child abuse can often be linked to sexual dysfunction between parents. We must help couples create harmony in their marriages. This will assist them to create a loving environment for their children, who in turn will help towards building a better society. The husband must create peace and harmony in the home[15]. Men will generally agree that their sexual satisfaction is greater if their wives also experience orgasms during their sexual unions. Many woman are not relaxed during sexual activity with their husbands. They are often over tired or stressed due to the bad character traits of their husbands. Wives need emotional, psychological, financial and physical security before they experience orgasms. Husbands often lack to giving one or more of the aforementioned securities. Often husbands and wives have to assist each other I achieving better circumstances for each other’s satisfaction. Couples must not restrain themselves in honestly searching for ways to satisfy each other – out of and in bed. They should try to give abundantly and receive gladly, within the parameters of the Shari’ah. Complete surrender to each other creates the necessary ease and tranquility for a loving environment. Loving parents create the base for the development of loving offspring.  Couples are expected to protect, love and show kindness to each other[16]. Such efforts will allow them the opportunities to appreciate each other and also reflect on The Gifts from the Almighty Allah (SWT) who places Love and Mercy between a man and a woman[17]. Marriage is not for the satisfaction of carnal desires. Sexual union is the vehicle for experiencing total humanness. At the end of the verse explaining how men must approach their wives, Allah (SWT) reminds us that we shall meet him on the Day of Judgment – WA-LA-MUU AN-NA-KUM MU-LAA-QUU[18]. Seriously reflecting on this, couples will improve their behavior toward each other. Their efforts will include mercy, tolerance, consideration and unselfishness towards each other before, during and after sexual union.
The minds of man often relates to sex. Sex is an extremely powerful urge which can destroy an individual. It is thus necessary for us to follow the guidelines in the Qur’an and Prophetic practices. We must accept that Allah (SWT), our Creator, Knows us and Knows what is good and bad for us. This realization makes us humble, gentle and considerate. We  need these qualities to progress for ourselves, our families and society –IN-SHAA-AL-LAH
Let us again reflect; ‘Loving parents create the base for the development of loving offspring. Couples are expected to protect, love and show kindness to each other[19]. Such efforts will allow them opportunities to appreciate each other and also reflect on The Gifts from Almighty Allah’. It is Allah (SWT) who places Love and Mercy between spouses.

Marital sex is often disturbed by feelings of insecurity. The feeling is often linked to a low self-worth. The low self-worth can again be linked to insufficient knowledge. Often misconceptions, myths and superstitions related to sexual behavior between husband and wife disturb the sexual function of the spouses. Knowledge of sexual immorality and the basic knowledge of anatomy of the husband and wife are crucial to the successful marital relationship. Improper societal sexual norms can also confuse marital sexual behavior. To a lesser extent pathological/clinical/structural problems hamper positive sexual responses between spouses.
An intense study of each other’s bodies reveal the basic psychological needs of the females and males. The Quran links fear/consciousness of Allah (SWT) with the service towards the wombs[20]. The status of the womb (family relations) is highly regarded in Islam. Willful dissociation with the womb (family members) causes separation from the Mercy of Allah (SWT)[21]. The womb as a structure, the woman and the family must be respected[22]. It is through the womb that Allah (SWT) creates nations and tribes. Humanity, via the marvels of the womb, learns to experience love, tenderness, compassion, parentage, lineage, honor and the need for assistance/dependence on each other. Improper conduct to the womb, in all its senses, threatens prosperity of the family, society and ultimately that of the human race.
Understanding the womb is intriguing. A small part of it is externally visible - the vulva – sometimes mistakenly called the vagina. The vulva is introduced by public hairs which cover two larger soft, sponge muscled, crescent shaped structures referred to as the “large lips” (LABIA MAJUS/LABIA MAJORA). Theses “lips” envelope two separable, slightly protruding skin folds, called the “smaller lips” (LABIA MINUS/LABIA MINORA). At the top , where the two small lips meet, is a skin covered, small moveable, rounded, knoblike structure called the CLITORIS. The clitoris is made up of spongy erectile tissue (tissue that can become stiff/erect). The clitoris has sensitive nerve endings, which, when stimulated, evokes intense sexual responses locally and generally in woman; locally – producing lubricants in the vagina which eases intercourse; generally – the woman’s entire body is sexually aroused. The clitoris is thus a woman’s most erogenous zone (part that stimulates sexual desire). During sexual intercourse the small, raised, arrow-shaped part of the penis ridge is in direct contact with the clitoris. It is thus clear that the in and out motion of the penis head into the vaginal opening increases clitoris contact thus allowing the wife increased sensual pleasure.
The “small lips” enclose the vaginal opening and the external urethral opening (for a woman’s urine). The bottom part of the vaginal opening is covered by a membrane/skinlike covering called the HYMEN. After sex or strenuous exercises the hymen will break/split. Small projections – CARUNCULEA (fragments of the hymen) will thereafter be visible. The female urethra is situated in the VESTIBULE just above the vaginal opening and the clitoris. The vestibule is the area between the upper part of the vaginal opening and the clitoris. Just to the inside of the upper part of the vagina opening, on either side, is the vestibular glands. These glands secrete a lubricant which eases the entry of the penis. Forced entry, without waiting for lubrications, can cause severe pain for the wife and husband. Forced entry into the vulva and vagina can also cause damage to the vulva and the vagina. There are lots of nerve-ends and blood vessels in the vulva and the vagina. These parts are extremely sensitive. It needs careful handling by the husband.
The structure of the vulva is suited to cushion and grip the penis. The lubrication in the vagina increases pleasurable feelings for both husband and wife. Husbands are thus encouraged to be considerate to the needs of the wife during sexual interaction. The careful handlings of the vulva will allow its optimal functioning. The thrust of the penis is eased within the thick, muscular, tubelike vagina. The first layer of the muscular vaginal wall is lined with mucous membrane. This further eases the thrust action of the penis. Woman who have not yet given natural birth have numerous folds on the wall. With age and childbirth the wall becomes smoother. This does not affect sexual enjoyment in later years. The second layer, under the muscular, mucous membrane, is the loose layer made up of connective erectile tissue. The nerves of the vagina, vulva and uterus (together they form the womb) are directly connected to the brain and the spinal cord. During sexual intercourse the walls of the uterus relaxes and contracts. This womb motion and mucous secretion assist the sperm to reach the released ovum (egg cell). This peristaltic action of the womb can thus draw sperm from in or out outside the vagina into the uterus. Ejaculation outside the vulva can thus also because pregnancy, without penis penetration, given the speed of the sperm, aided by the lubrications and peristaltic action I the uterus.

A lack of knowledge of sex, male and female anatomy, pregnancy etc, in many instances causes unnecessary fears in the minds of males and females. Many fears have their origins in misconceptions about sex and sexuality. Fears affect body functions and hence have adverse effects on sexual functions in marriage. Knowledge of the human body increases ones appreciation of the Powers of The All Mighty Allah.
As a starting point one must reflect that it is Allah (SWT) Who Places Love and Mercy between husband and wife. Through these feelings the couple experiences happiness, peace tranquility in each other’s company. To arrive at these mutual experiences it is essential to know each other’s tastes, habits, dislikes, bodies, desires, problems, fears and anxieties. If they know, they will be able to help each other maintain and improve happiness and solve problems and allay each other’s fears.
Some relevant questions are; when in the body of the self and the body of the spouse healthy and sick/ill; when a woman is menstruating, what kind of bleeding is normal and what kind of bleeding needs the doctor’s attention; how can one identify sexual dysfunction; which factors reduce sexual response in the partner, when and what kind of medical remedies are available for sexual dysfunction and which problems can be solved by the spouses without medical help. The knowledge content regarding these subjects are numerous, but one must be prepared to READ (IQ-RA). Consultation with physicians will be focused and remedies can easily be accessed when the doctor is properly informed.
The following are common and solvable problems:
1.       The menstrual flow of the young woman is irregular – sometimes a two week or six month gap. The regular menstrual cycle will start from six to twelve months after the first menstrual bleeding.
2.       An abnormal bleeding, after regular periods have been established, needs a doctor’s attention. Such bleeding may be caused by a miscarriage or ECTOPIC pregnancy.
3.       If a wife experiences pain during menstrual intercourse, then the following must be established and reported to the doctor; is the pain sharp and low, superficial (on top), burning or superficial, at the entrance of the vagina (INTROITAL PAIN) or deep pain inside the vagina? All of the causes of these pains can successfully be treated.
Fears in the mind of the wife may also bring about pain or tightness of the vagina (VAGINISMUS). To know that fears can induce pain in the pelvis/womb can in itself relieve the pain experienced. A wife may fear abuse, infertility, aids or loss of bladder control. The loss of bladder control during sexual arousal can be remedied by emptying the bladder before sexual encounters and keeping the towels at hand.  Pain associated with tension is often linked to abusive husbands. Satisfactory sex needs care and understanding of each other.

Often woman do not reach sexual orgasm. The most common problem is premature ejaculation of the husband. Constant female arousal, without orgasmic release, creates congestion in the pelvic area due to HYPERAEMIA (bloated bloodvessels)

This congestion, when often experienced, may result in abdominal pains and feelings of dissatisfaction which may reduce her sexual desire (LOSS OF LIBIDO). Husbands must be sensitive to their wives condition and consult professionals to help them if the aforementioned problems arise. Premature ejaculation and loss of sexual drive in woman can successfully be treated.

The arrival of children in a marriage may disturb the sexual communication between husband and wife. Patience and effective time management can enhance sexual communication between mother and father. During menstruation husbands are advised not to fondle their wives below the navel. This advice prevents excessive menstrual bleeding during female arousal. A wife may fondle her husband to release any sexual tension he may develop during her menstrual cycle.


No connection to the top of the vagina (the tube like structure which holds the penis during sexual intercourse), is the upside down shape pear shaped uterus. It leans forward and rests on the bladder. At the top on either side of the uterus, are two tube-like growths, with broader, finger like, feathery edges. These tubes are called the FALLOPIAN TUBES. Behind each tube are the ovaries. Each ovary is attached by a ligament to a broad ligament behind the tubes. Through these ligaments blood vessels (OVARIAN ARTERIES) reach the ovaries. Each fallopian tube “hugs” and ovary with their fingerlike FIMBRIAL ENDS. Within the substance of the ovary are numerous cells, which at puberty, develop into at least ONE ripe egg over every 28 days (monthly period) for +/- 35 years. When the egg cell is ripe it moves to the surface of the ovary. The ovary membrane the raptures/breaks and the egg is released (OVULATION). The ripe egg is then suspended and hangs between the ovary and the fingerlike structures of the fallopian tubes (PARITONIAL CAVITY) FOR +/- 10-15 minutes. The fingerlike structures then sweep the ripe egg into the fallopian tube. The development and the release of the egg is then delicately and precisely controlled by hormones (secretion) secreted in the PIUATARY GLAND (bottom, middle of the brain). These hormones are activated by HYPOTHALAMUS in the base of the brain. The secretions activate the ovaries to release two hormones/secretions, OESTROGEN (causes thickening of the inner lining of the uterus (ENDOMETRIUM) and PROGERSTERON (makes the uterine lining soft and spongy). This is the preparation of the uterine lining for a possible fertilized egg. When the egg cell is not fertilized (no sperm cell entry), then the egg cell dies. At this point the uterine lining breaks down/sheds and menstrual bleeding starts. The menstrual bleeding can last from 3 to 8 days. Sometimes it can be as long as 12 to 15 days. At the end of the menstrual bleeding a new egg is already developing in one of the ovaries. At +/- 14 days after menstruation a new ripe egg is again released by the ovary and the endometrium again thickens and renews in preparation for another possible fertilized egg. From the above it is evident that egg release takes place regularly and that it is not dependent on a wife’s orgasms. Pregnancy is thus possible without an orgasm.


Orgasm of the wife is unrelated to the ovulation of the ripe eggs from her ovary. Female orgasm is a mind-body response of the wife during intense sexual experience with her husband. If she is highly, sexually motivated she may experience orgasm/s without entry of the husband’s penis.
The following is what basically happens in the wife’s body when she has an orgasm. The abdominal muscles, from her vulva to her navel contracts and relaxes in a rocking motion. The upper third of the vagina balloons thus allowing the lower two thirds to contract. This causes a gripping and pulling motion in the vagina. This action assists the penis to penetrate deeper into the uterus. Its gripping action also causes an enlargement of the penis head, causing a pulsating force with which the sperm is ejaculated. This assists possible fertilization of the waiting egg in the uterus.
Female orgasm is immediately followed by feelings of relieve and extreme relaxation of nerves through the whole body. She feels pleasurably lethargic (tired) and sleepy. The husband, after experiencing ejaculation under the above conditions of wife- orgasm, also feels a similar, satisfied, accomplished lethargy and sleepiness.
A female orgasm may last between a minute and 90 seconds and some woman may have multiple (many) orgasms during penis penetration – but this is very rare.
It must be clear, that when the uterus does not have a fetus inside, its walls are against each other (bottom and top). This allows the peristaltic pull of sperm into the vagina and uterus. When the vagina is not penetrated its walls are tight against each other. The wetness a wife experience during sexual arousal is not an orgasm. It is the lubrication needed to assist penis penetration. Female orgasm is not followed by “female ejaculation”. Female orgasm is a pleasurable, muscular, nerve sensation which soothes the wife’s body and mind.


We must accept that men and woman are “of like nature”. Wife’s and husbands need foreplay for complete sexual enjoyment[23].  Foreplay helps to reduce feeling of inequalities. Wives need more time to reach their peak of sexual arousal. He must gently communicate with her to with tender, loving ways, which will show his patient care for her. This allows her to unwind from the daily stresses and strains. During sexual intercourse the husband and wife “slip away” from the worries of the material world and enter a world of blissful ecstasy.
Foreplay is not prohibited; it is encouraged in prophetic statements (hadith)[24]. Much of the foreplay starts in the preparation of the beauty of the body before seeing each other. There must thus be a mental preparation. It is important to keep the hair and the body clean. Many spouses are attracted by the clean smell of the partner’s body shortly after a bath. The shaven armpits and pubic areas enhance closer body contact. More nerve ends of the two private parts meet when it is clean shaven/pubic hair is short. Visually the genitalia (private parts) appear bigger and fuller when the pubic hair is removed. This assists the sensual attraction between spouses. Vision and touch of each other’s naked bodies stimulates more nerve ends in the whole body system. The individual thus experience increased sexual arousal. The heart beat increases, the blood vessels expand, more blood pumps through, causing an increase in liquid excretion i.e. a mild sweat is experience during sexual arousal. This explains the Islamic tradition of keeping the body clean before and after sexual contact.  The breathing rate increases and even the voice changes to a huskier, sensuous tone. Both husband and wife enjoy this. It is necessary to vocalize ones love and desire for each other during sexual encounters. Within such a warm, loving and reassuring atmosphere the wife’s lubrication increases in natural preparation for penis penetration. When the husband feels the increased sensation of the wife, he must proceed at the same pace. This will prevent him from premature ejaculation. Male circumcision places the skin of the penis further back from the rim of the penis. This extends the time of foreplay and prevents male premature ejaculation. It is important that the husband maintain the same slow rhythm when he enters the penis head and when he goes towards full penis entry. This allows the wife enough time to build up towards her orgasm.
The perfection of sexual intercourse between husband and wife is based on mutual understanding, love and care. It is something that must we worked at regularly, with full knowledge of one another’s needs, fears and dislikes. Husbands must never force sexual intercourse on his wife, erroneously believing it is his right. If he does this, he will make his wife fearful and resentful and thus deprive her and himself from the serenity of marital sexual relations.
Gentle caresses, reassuring conversations and the supportive hugs of each other, after sexual satisfaction, bring about mutual gratefulness for each other. This warm after play strengthens the marital bond between the spouses. Thanking each other rafter sexual encounters heightens appreciation for each other. This keeps the flame of love burning. This kind of warm, considerate care, which is expressed in words and actions for each other positively impacts on all aspects of each one’s life. Making a cup of tea/coffee for the wife after sexual encounters with her, speaks volumes for her feeling and assurance. Men have been given the extra strength to keep woman safe, happy and to make them feel appreciated[25]. A wife who feels exploited will not respond positively to her husband’s advances. Husbands must refrain from ill-treating their wives. Wives are sensitive and this must be respected.
Marital sexual intercourse must be sort for in order to satisfy the other spouse, self-satisfaction must take a secondary role. This selfless service for the spouse gets a appreciative response, which grants the giver unexpected satisfaction. Men seldom realize that it is the way they treat their wives out of bed, which impact on her sexual responses towards him. It is the caring nature of men that attracts the positive sexual response from woman. A husband and father who truly exert himself positively for his family, will be blessed with a giving and supportive wife. His wife will realize that the best support she can give him is to make him feel “like a man”.
Married couples, who have a sound sexual communication, can together face enormous life challenges. They both have a very high degree of self-worth. Children who grow up in the company of such parents, themselves develop a good self-esteem/self-worth. Happy spouses make loving and successful parents.

Passionate sexual responses from the wife can only happen in an atmosphere created by a courteous husband. The Almighty Allah has ordered men to fear/have consciousness of Allah (SWT) and the wombs. Men must act towards woman with full consciousness of Allah (SWT). He must not abuse his wife. He must protect her and help her to reach her full potential. He must not suffocate her with possessiveness. An abusive husband cannot expect a wife to be passionate towards him. The positive response from the womb is dependent on the mind, which is free from oppression. It is un-islamic to oppress any individual, especially one’s wife. A husband who is considerate to his wife, free her from inhibitions. She will then freely interact with him, ensuring mutual enjoyment. She must feel safe, beautiful, appreciated and tranquil in his hands. This unlocks the tenderness of a woman. Reciprocal (mutual) care and service to each other is rewarding to both. A successful marriage primarily lies in the couple’s preparedness to live islamicly. It means to believe that the Almighty Allahis Ever Present and Sees all that they do. We must not hurt anyone in word or deed[26]. If we apply this ALLAH-CONSCIOUSNESS (TAQWA), we shall be assisted through all our trials and tribulations and be granted success in every aspect of our lives. A successful marriage ensures happiness in this life and the year after.
A husband who is prepared to work hard in his sacrifice (actively provide- NAFAQA)for the happiness of his wife, will be blessed with a caring and pious wife. She will help him achieve success iin this life and the year after. His children will also be happy and Mercy and Peace from Allah will descend on such a home. A man that spends his assets, strength and time to create a tranquil, happy environment for his family is amongst the “true men”, the cares of woman (QOW-WAA-MUUN). Those husbands/wives who exploit the other spouse avail themselves to the snares of satan. Satan always advises towards the wrong, but will dessert the wrong doer on the day of judgment. It is normally the fainthearted that are abusive.


Contraceptives down the centuries have remained controversial not only because of the adverse effects, but also because it is being used as a political and social tool to manipulate families, communities and nations. Constant reference is made of the population explosion and the lack of provision for the millions on earth today. However we do know that developed countries with a zero population growth rate consume approximately 80% of the world's natural and produced resources.

Certain countries and organisations, local and international, are placing enormous pressure on societies to have abortions on demand, as part of family planning strategies - and as such women become the major victims. 

The contraception methods that interfere most commonly with a woman's natural menstrual cycle, includes the contraceptive pill, the hormone injectable forms and intra-uterine devices. All these contraceptives can affect her physically and emotionally, in turn also affect her relationship with her children, husband, neighbours and associates, because of the strain she has to bear. The harmony in the marriage, where applicable, is disrupted, resulting in an array of ills in the family and society as a whole. Male leaders usually rule the countries to ruin, then expect women to sacrifice to " improve the quality of life" of the nation - through contraceptives.


1 comment:

  1. Couples who have had a long history suddenly change for each other. They do not find contentment or pleasure in their relationship, sexual satisfaction in marriage