Friday, December 23, 2011

Successful Parenting

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Towards Successful Parenting

786 Children need Parents with Wisdom

The desire o be a parent is stronger in a female than in a male. Males desire serving. These desires combine in marriage and parenting is the balanced, "wisdomed" approach to work towards a successful society. Children yearn for guidance not for rules. It is easier to make rules than to acquire wisdom. Successful Parenting is a process of knowing the self, understanding children, knowing where they come from, what their purpose is in life and being prepared to sacrifice all your resources in a manner to create/start tin them the process of gratefulness to The Creator. If one is not in tune with this then ones parenting will reflect in a disorientated society.

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Sunday, August 1, 2010



Parenting is easy for the unselfish adults, but difficult for selfish adults who happen to become parents. Successful parenting can only be discussed when a marriage has occurred. Out of wedlock children have parents who were obviously selfish and impatient. This automatically creates problems that are difficult to solve, because there were no decent, acceptable principles of sex between the couple who gave birth to the child out of wedlock . This sounds harsh, but advice for effective parenting must respect some common grounds of universal sex principles. Within a modern/post-modern world, some writers deny spirituality and then claim to have the right to lay down universal communication principles of "correctness", ignoring the vast majority of believers in God and spiritual enlightenment. This was only possible because writers who were financed by some capitalists were influenced to deny God and thus create a better platform for mass financial exploitation. You might say : "What does money have to do with 'Parenting'?". Everything! Sex is the biggest money maker and the base for many cyberspace advancements - for better quality viewing. Parenting is often disturbed by uncontrolled sexual desires of one or both spouses - because of weak spiritual principles. Sex makes money, but destroys the value of the family ethos. Lets get back to ethical and legal parenting.

Purpose of Parenting

Family life is valuable, because it gives safety and security to the growth of new human beings. The main question for parents are "What is the goal of parenting?" This is the core question that will drive the process of parents. The following have been sited for reasons for parenting:
1. continue your progeny
2. experience motherhood(we have not generally heard men saying they want to experience fatherhood! is it that men want sex and has as a result parenting!)
3.Wanting a boy (name to carry on the father's legacy)
The above common reasons for parenting misses a crucial feature - The child! It seems that parents become parents for themselves and not for the child. The lasting reason for parenting is to offer yourself and your resources into a process of rearing an individual that is grateful to the Creator who Created him/her.
Now the materialist may say: "What is this intangible giberish?" It must be borne in mind that the problems of the world stems from the lack of credibility given to the power of spirituality or the unseen factors that drive the functions of life.

It is when parents rear their children to identify the Magnificence of the Creator, that children experience magnificence of their parents. Parenting rests of setting the example. Children must feel the presence of their parents' spirituality for them to respond qualitatively from their inner beauty. In Arabic this is called the Fitrah - The untainted , radiant, godly spirit that hovers within all of us. A parent that does not have the above Lasting Reason for Parenting, will have difficulty pouring out his/her own quality spiritual demeanor - The Fitrah. We are now seriously bridging the reality of parenting that extends beyond this world.

A child is a gift from Allah, The Exalted. We as adults are entrusted with a precious, divine Gift. We should thus find out what The Creator wants from us. If we ignore His Advice, Guidance, Commands, Permissibilities and Prohibitions we are destined to experience discomforts we shall not be able to cope with/ face. To appreciate this point we first have to understand who we really are as adults.

The popular belief in the modern or post-modern world is that man is a free individual. He has personal rights. The freedom and right to believe in God or not - is a fact. What modern man perhaps lose sight of is that choices have results. The belief in God has benefits, while the disbelief in God has sufferings. A child is a divine gift. If we do not treat the gift with divine respect he/she will give us a hellish experience. If we abuse the Gift we will suffer emotionally, physically and spiritually as the years go by. The child must grow older and stronger and will at some time receive the necessary help to destroy you. If you kill your child,the Divine Gift, you will go to Hell, while the child will definitely enter the Blissful World of Spirit which will witness against you on the Day of Judgment-for further punishments. Disbelievers knowingly try to fool themselves that the hereafter does not exist so that they can satisfy their basal desires. The child is our connection with the Divine. We must be careful how we treat them, what we teach them and what we show them. Our choices will either come and haunt us or give us endless joy and respect. Parenting is about developing wisdom.

Developmental Stages of the Child

The child develops from a stage of pure purity and nearness to Allah, The Exalted (Fitrah), towards choice (puberty- Buluug), then towards actualisation of true personality (Gratefulness-Belief/Ungratefulness- Disbelief). The child moves from the world of spirit, through fantasizing, socialisation through exploration, individualisation through puberty and choice towards actualisation through spiritualisation (belief in God) or despiritualistaion (denial of God). The choice of a child is engendered by the parental influence.

Authoritarian parents demands respect and becomes abusive to their children. Authoritative parents, sets good examples, are well informed, highly spiritual, strike a balance between freedom and limitations with well defined explanations. Permissive parents just lets children do what they like, because the parents don't really care - teachers and society can sort out the mess they created. The other parents who create problems for society, are those who spoil their children. Whatever their children want, the parents will give them, even to the extent of making debt. These children grow up appreciating little and extend their "powers" to manipulate others around them. These parents often do not guide their children to have courtesy. I have witnessed this kind of behaviour in the homes of some home we would judge as affluent. These children speak to their parents with disdain and treat visitors as nuisances. This is often the attitute of the parents that are just reflected in the child. What I have also noticed -that this often happens in homes where parents often live more on credit, creating an image of affluence, than the real rich, who often realises that they are dependent of The Creator to grant them riches and not on the bank. Often the real rich, are more respectful to others because they know that disrespect to others ca cause them to lose the Blessings from The Creator. This brings to the real need for quality parenting - spirituality - awareness of the Unseen Who monitors all inputs of every individual. The children of the pseudo-rich often have attitude problems, learnt from parents, who, when in debt, lives a life of stresses and who finds tranquillity in buying "Stuff" and giving their children "stuff" to shut them up - to reduce their building stresses through on built-up debt upon debt - to create an image by trying to impress people - an attitude that gets transported to their chidren. In real terms these are the same people who abuse people on a large scale when they run countries where men usurped power.

Poverty a Challenge for Parenting and the Nation

Poverty/ Richness without spirituality is a challenge, because finding a balance in life without spirituality is very difficult for many. Poverty of spirituality is probably the main feature in bad parenting. You might say, but there are people, who you believe are spiritual, but they are bad, parents, when you see the behaviour of their children. We have found that children from poor families with rude, bad charactered parents are often very difficult to handle at schools, while children from poor families who have ethical, religious parents are often decent. well-behaved and less problematic. There are parents who regard themselves as ethical but not religious and according to their standards, are raising "good" children. The fact that they have not raised their children with the awareness of gratefulness to the Creator, makes their parenting suspect. We are in agreement that some "religious" people are abusive to their children. But we are also sure that external religious dogma does not translate into spirituality. Religion with spirituality translates into mercy, goodness and exemplary behaviour. If behaviour is abusive or disorienting then spirituality has not yet taken root. Their many families who were poor, but whose children are excellent people, due to the spiritual and practical example they had set for their children.

Who are good parents?

Lots of time can be spent on criticizing bad parents, but it is better to spend our time on guiding each other and remind ourselves on what constitutes Good Parenting.

Good Parents...
1. First marry with the spiritual Blessing of belief in One God, before they start a family. This is the basic need for a more wholesome life. Without this acceptance of belief, the couple is basically refusing to acknowledge The One Who has created them, and sustains them every second of the day. This will create future problems. Belief allows the spouse the necessary Guidance to chart a wholesome life, for themselves and their offspring. Problems will arise in all families, but the spiritually motivated, who accept Divine Guidance, will have a common source, outside themselves to respect, and find inspiration from. An Official Spiritual Marriage, brings families, friends and neighbours together, who will tacitly and through social cohesion, help the couple to find their feet more easily in the beginning stages of their marriage. At the wedding ceremony , many people pray and wish the couple well. Their prayers are a protection and help for the future. Cutting off family ties, or ignoring their right to be part of a beautiful marriage, deprives the couple from the extra blessings and prayers / appeals they could have received on their wedding day. Marrying first before starting a family is the intelligent theing to do. The children, from a spiritually blessed marriage, which connected families, friends and neighbours, have a wider circle of social support and example to live from.The more isolated the married couple, the more isolated their children and the less, exemplary social contact. If the family and social contact is of a lower spiritual awarenesss and practice of the couple, then the children have a standard by which to live and compare the external lifestyles with. The extended family and friends is necessary for development of character of children.
2. Read - Informed parents are able to guide their children how to act in different situations. Uninformed parents try to parent when the acts/ situation is on top of them, where everyone tries to survive the situation on the feet - at the spur of the moment - with no prior knowledge, skill or preparation. Uninformed parents often deal with situations with emotions, rather that with reason, skillfulness and wisdom. Children want to be guided by informed parents, nor shouted at by uninformed parents who are frustrated because the don't understand the world around them and also too lazy to get informed - its too much of an effort to make a change. Many prefer to keep on doing the same things the same way instead of making a change to their life by reading or becoming informed. Is is easier to stay stupid and act on emotions, because it gives a release to built up animal anger. You might say but does that mean that people who can't read are doomed to fail as parents! No. The Prophet Mughammad (Pbuh) could not physically read, but his heart was ready to learn from The Higher Power, and the patience to allow his in-built divinely given reason to rule his mind and actions. He advised all people not to get angry and to learn from the cradle to the grave. Reading or learning is our protection from the evils of emotional roller-coasters - the origin of all questionable behaviour.
3. Listen- Listening skills require a sense of patience. Patience is a spiritual quality that is accessible to people who reflect. Reflection is the art of observing carefully what presents itself to you. A chiild is presented to us by the Creator. If we are not aware of this fact, thinking we are the reason for the child's existence, we would miss the value of reflecting on the marvel of the child. A child is in a state of Divine Nearness (Fitrah). The purity of child allows the child to be a vehicle through whom the Creator communicates with us. What a child is is often not from the child, but from the Creator. If we do not listen, we shall miss the message/ guidance from God. Remember that denying the existence of The Creator, does not obliterate the fact that children are from God and a Mercy from Him for us to develop the necessary skills, attitudes, characteristics and that will ensure that we succeed in this world and the next. When we listen to a child we afford ourselves the opportunity to resyspond with understanding and not with emotionality. This will develop insight which opens the door to received wisdom from the Creator, the real tool / skill/ value for successful parents. If you cannot listen carefully, you cannot respond correctly.
4. Always Respond Positively. When are a parent you must always keep your ears open to what your child/children are doing or saying. Never be to busy to be aware of their needs all the time. Be acutely aware of what they say and how they say it. Show a genuine interest in what they say and do. Always encourage them when you notice that they have made good choices and acted positively or correctly - whatever the minute the situation may be. Always shake hands with them when they have achieved what they think is important for them - not only what you think is important for you as a parent. Enter their world in listening without entering their world physically. Know what they talk about, how they think, then you will be able to how to act in various situations -not discipline when the child has already overstepped the boundaries - not having had a clue that it was a boundary. Remember, preempt, and guide, don't react and reprimand. The latter is a sign of ba to workd parenting and one who is not proactive, but reactive. Parenting means to be ahead of your children in some aspects which they will value your advice and guidance, because you have proven yourself in a field they can recognise you as a perfect example. Listening to them and the problems other parents face, gives you the edge in being creative about your parenting style. Don't be afraid to do the right thing, which at times are contrary to the norm. Remember some parents comment in parent conversations in agreement with parents who have warped ideas that have been in communities for centuries. Challenge it. Don't be scared to lose a stupid friend. A more qualitative friend will come along and replace him/her. Don't listen to abusive talk of parents who bully their children emotionally,financially, physically or otherwise and in conversation try to get support for their stupidity. Check them. Listening critically allows you to think creatively and respond positively.
5. are Creative: Parents who just go to work, come home, clean, eat, watch tv, read newspaper and go to sleep, can hardly expect much from their children. They basically give their children a message of life in a family is a chore. We are sure all people go to movies, beach, the shop - but if this is all, where is the parent's personal creativity? Read a new book? Created a garden? Interior decorated with old things? recycled old furniture/ clothing? Creating an art-piece? Dad cooked a new recipe? Mom wrote a book for children? Dad and mom is making a documentary with their cellphone, traveling through unknown areas/places in the immediate areas of the home/school/shopping mall? Well what true is that creativity does not need money,but it does stimulate children of creative parents to explore and create more readily than children from humdrum parents, who often, due to a lack of creativity, becomes creative with gossip, criticism and argumentation about sporting personalities, or moan about their spouse or their children.Creative parents motivate their children by example. These parents do not have time for gossip, arguments and spending time on the achievements of sporting personalities etc. Creative parents are rolemodels for their children and have no fear that their children will take shady characters as role models.

The Challenge

The most disturbing factor of all parenting courses and information is that it is often the converted who access the information on effective parenting. The real culprits in destructive parenting, have no real interest in improving themselves as parents. They just do not want to improve themselves. They find a sick enjoyment in being destructive and sending their messed-up children into society to mend these unfortunate souls, mess up society even more. This calls upon the concerned parents to tackle these destructive parents head on. The continuance of destructive parental practice can only happen if the good parents do not work hard to make destructive parenting unpopular. No social conversation should allow bully parents a chance to air the destructive "advice" or comments, when in a social gathering - challenge them, make them feel uncomfortable and create and atmosphere where they will be socially presurised to mend their ways. It is often that a bad parent/s exist within one family, but the good family and friends are too scared to exercise pressure for improved parenting. The big challenge is what methodologies are available for transforming bad parents?

Change Agents for improved parenting
Professionals such and teachers, principals, doctors and business bosses who have some hold on dysfunctional parents and these parents friends, must make every effort to transform the bad parent. What methods can we employ:
1. Address the strengths and talents of the parents
2. Relate to ways how they have been able to express their talents to their children, this will allow them to discover that they have only shown their ugly selves to their children - thus depriving their children from knowing their beautiful self.
3. Relate to them that the memory of children of their parents often gets transported into their own families - if its negative or positive - ask them what would they like for their children
4. Ask them what makes them angry and how they deal with it - ask them if they feel at peace with themselves how they gave expression to their anger - remind them that any feeling of disappointment in the self is the way the soul punishes itself - but that that disappointment is the encouragement for change of the inner-self, and not sentence.
5. Let them know that if they do not feel regrets for what they have been doing, then they are in a dangerous position which if they do not check themselves, that they will land up in jail, asylum, hospital and if not anywhere else negative in their lifetime - hell in the after life, which in introduced by a horrible, unseen death.
6. Make it known to them that no-on gets away with being a bad parent. Bad parents are also caused to suffer ill-treatment of them in old-age by their children or grandchildren. Bad parents often find themselves crying a lot in their old-age, as they have caused their children to cry, or feel hurt.
7. Remind them what they sow they must reap - that is the rule of life and no-one escapes it.

What happens when their are differences?

All parties in the family must be able to understand the differences in the family before progress can be made. In each family there are negotiators, fighters, researches, helper, guides and motivators. This can be identified during the family life's careful observations of each individual in the family dynamics.
Posted by Mogamat Faadiel Arnold at 5:59 AM


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